In Part 3 I discuss how people judge someone with an obsessive ex, the emotions that someone with an obsessive ex deals with, how you can begin to break free of being stalked, and the six stages of an obsessive ex. In Part 4 I revealed my motivation for writing these articles, 3 crazy stories about her, 3 things you’re doing to keep your crazy ex around, and how to take action against your crazy ex.
In Part 5 here, I discuss how to let go of your stalker ex, the 3 reasons why obsessive ex’s stalk us, how to take action against your stalker, how to collect documentation for legal action, and advice for dealing with police and courts. In the final part, Part 6, I will reveal the shocking conclusion to this storyline and how it all came to an abrupt end!
How To Let Go of Your Stalker Ex
Does your ex consume your thoughts? Are you consumed with your ex?
You might be wondering what the difference is between those two questions. Let me explain. The first question implies that your ex is somehow doing something, that they are responsible for what you are thinking. And in fact they very well could be if they are actively doing things to disturb your life. Most of the parts up until this installment have dealt with this part of the equation.
But the other question implies that you are the one who’s responsible for your thoughts, and that it’s you has control over what you’re thinking and that you choose to think about your ex. In this installment of the series, we’re going to talk about this other side of the equation, and we’re going to get you to look inward and explore what’s really going on.
What do you think about when you think of your ex? Some times you might think about what you would say to get back with them. Other times you might think about what would have happened if things happened differently. Maybe you remember the good times and try to hang on to them, and maybe you push the bad times away or try to forget them.
Is your ex gone and there is no chance of them coming back? Perhaps you are you not accepting that you are powerless over their decision? If you are refusing to accept their decision, you need to think about what feelings you are avoiding, whether it’s grief, heartbreak, or loneliness.
If you’re not willing to feel the feelings that your break up has caused, you’re going to obsess about your ex. Ultimately, obsessing is just an addictive way of avoiding your feelings. If you want to stop obsessing about your ex, you need to be willing to deal with your authentic feelings.
Maybe you don’t think you’re in a place to deal with them right now, but now is a good a time as ever. Think about what you feel in your heart. Breathe deep and accept the feelings, allowing them to come into your awareness. Now find a place inside of you that feels compassionate toward your heart. Can you be kind, gentle, caring, understanding, and compassionate toward your heart?
Embrace your heartbreak and allow your tears to flow freely, having deep compassion for your heart. Allow the pain to through you with your tears. Allow yourself to cry deeply for however long you need to.
Go on. Do it.
I’ll assume you’ve now just let go of some things. You should feel better now, calmer.
You may have cried before, but you were always crying as a victim. This time, you took responsibility for your self by being compassionate toward your heartbreak. You put a name to it, you acknowledged it, and you embraced it with kindness.
The process you hopefully just allowed yourself to go through (if not, really.. go back and do it…), helped you to lovingly manage your painful emotions. You no longer need to obsess over your ex. And from here on out, when you catch yourself obsessing over them, you can now realize that you’re avoiding you’re heartbreak, loneliness, and helplessness over your ex. You will now be able to move into compassion for your difficult emotions, and you can allow yourself to cry more and move through them more, as your process may not be complete yet.
Obsessing may have been your way of trying to control your emotions, or even controlling your ex. Clearly neither of those work, nor are they healthy, and you may not have even realized you were trying to control. You likely just didn’t know what else to do. Remember to use this process each time thoughts of your ex pop up, and you can break the addiction of avoiding your emotions.
Why Does This Person Stalk Me? Why Am I Being Stalked? The 3 Reasons Why Obsessive Ex’s Stalk…
There are three reasons why someone is stalking you. The first is that they are trying to Re-enter The Relationship with you. In the past, you may have gotten back with them once or more times already. Maybe you haven’t gotten back with them but were considering it (DON’T DO IT). Maybe you haven’t been in a relationship with them yet but they aren’t giving up easily and they keep trying.
If this is the case, maybe you haven’t been clear enough with them yet that it’s over, and maybe you need to be. Often times, signals aren’t as clear to the other person as you think they are, and sometimes they need a very straightforward answer from you that nothing will ever happen. It’s also possible you have already done this, and if so, read on.
The second reason you might be getting stalked is that this person is trying to Gain or Regain Control Over You or the situation. Often times people who have no control over themselves seek to exert control over others. Just last night I had a conversation with a friend who recently broke up with a woman and e’d been doing some work to get over her and let her go, but then something triggered him and he kept thinking about it over and over until he found himself driving past her house looking to see if she was ok, but also to see if she was with another guy. This was an insecurity of his blown way out of proportion and it manifested into stalking. He even knew it was wrong when he was doing it but he said he was just kind of on autopilot. This is because he lost control over himself and his thinking, and he let his train of thought loose down the tracks and didn’t know how to apply the brakes. When he could no longer control himself, he unconsciously set out to control her. He wasn’t thinking of it that way in a logical sense of course, but that’s exactly what was happening. He was trying to fulfill inappropriate psychological needs. This generally pertains to stalkers with low self-esteem, and they feed on being dominating, possessing, manipulating, and/or intimidating you. Having control over you makes them feel important and powerful, and feeds their ego.
The third reason someone might be stalking you is because they are Seeking Revenge! This is by far the worst one to deal with. If this is the case, they may or may not have given up hope of re-entering the relationship, and they realize they can’t control you, so they have to get even with you because they feel they have been wronged and denied some dignity. There are many stalkers who just want to make you pay for what you did to them. And I know that this not the right thinking for them to have, but knowing this may allow you to enter into some kind of counseling or arbitration with them (always have a referee!! definitely a professional of some kind), so they can get the closure they need to move on. This may not be easy for you or for them, but it can certainly have a huge effect on your situation. They need to feel like they have their own version of justice.
10 Ways To Take Action Against A Stalker
I won’t lie, this is tough. In the vast majority of cases, the police will NOT have your back. They will NOT want to get involved. The courts will dick you around and will not want to get involved either. Not in every case, and if the police and courts are helping you, consider yourself lucky. When you do involve both the police and the courts, you need to have your shit together. You need a comprehensive timeline documenting your abuse. You need a big diary of what they did and you need as much evidence as you can have to back that up. Did they send you a text message? Take a screen shot of it on your phone or computer and print it out and put it in a file. Did they leave you a nasty voicemail? Save the recording somewhere permanent, don’t chance leaving it/them on your voicemail. Did they drive by your house? Break into it? Have cameras to collect evidence of this and a means to play it police or in court. I’ll talk more about collecting documentation below.
I have a friend who has a stalker, and she was going around contacting all of his friends trying to recruit them to help her win him back, or at least use them to communicate through to him. Eventually she got to me. I pretended to play along, with my friends knowledge, so I could study her for these articles. I learned a lot; I noticed many similar patterns that she had with my crazy ex and even plenty of new ones. When she found that I had a crazy ex though, oh man, she tried to get involved and wanted to my crazy ex get back with me! Holy shit! Long story short, I blocked this other crazy ex and she of course could never find my crazy ex, so nothing ever happened there, but before I did that, one of her suggestions was that I act all needy like I wanted to get back with her. Of course I thought this was completely nuts, and I couldn’t bring myself to actually do this. But after nothing else was working, I figured maybe someone else wanted to try this. I suggested it to someone who I knew wouldn’t care too much and he said he might as well give it a shot. Lo and behold, once his crazy ex felt like she was back in control and she was the one rejecting him, she pretty much stopped messing with him. She was still doing some other things like using his name, but he wasn’t getting calls, texts, or emails anymore, and she didn’t seem to be contacting anyone he knew and stirring up trouble either.
So take those two strategies and put them to use and perhaps you will make some headway with your situation. You should also take the following steps…
- MAKE A FINAL FIRM REJECTION. Tell them directly to their face (or in email or text so you have proof in writing, or in front of someone else so you have a witness) that you do not want to be contacted by them anymore. Until you tell them this, from a legal standpoint they are not technically stalking you. Beware that email may not count, and that it is a better idea to send them a short, certified letter, possibly through an attorney.
- SAY NO AND MEAN IT. This means not using qualifiers like the word “maybe”, stalkers still think they have a chance when they hear maybe. Don’t say you are sorry either, stalkers see this as you having emotions for them, which being a normal person and experiencing empathy for them is quite normal, but they will not take you seriously. They will hold out hope that you can change and they keep lingering in your life like a fart that stays in a room and doesn’t dissipate. (Sorry for the bad visual, but stalkers stink!)
- DO NOT HUMILIATE THEM! This provokes their desire for revenge and spurs them to keep going because you were mean to them. Put on your adult pants and save them face. Be the bigger person. Seriously. This isn’t about who is right and who is deliriously wrong, it’s about getting them to stay the fuck out of your life.
- CEASE ALL CONTACT! Your stalker lives for your REACTIONS, your ATTENTION, and your ACKNOWLEDGEMENT. Don’t frickin give them any of this! It’s like feeding a shark from a chum bucket, they’re just gonna keep coming back for more! Don’t be available to them for ANYTHING. Go about your life like they don’t even exist. Don’t give your power away and by reacting to their stupid shit. Don’t show them an ounce of attention by letting them see that they are getting to you. Nothing. Don’t give them reasons to contact you either. If you have any of their possessions, mail them back ASAP, or give it to a friend so they can pick it up there. Don’t hold on to their stuff! You are in effect holding on to them! If there are things that you absolutely have to interact with them about (divorce preparations or child visitation arrangements for instance), have someone you can rely on to be your representative to deal with all of the communications for you. This works best when your rep is a man, as stalkers prefers to deal with women because they manipulate emotions so easily, and a man isn’t as easy to manipulate. Find a man who doesn’t take any shit, perhaps a former marine…
- NOTIFY THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE! This can be very difficult. As you read in part 2, I had to make myself vulnerable to the judgement and critique of others. Be prepared to be judged and for negative feedback. Don’t worry about this though, as whatever negative garbage someone sends your way is simply a reflection of them, not you. Remember who you are. Everyone must be on alert about this person. Your family, your friends, even your boss and some co-workers will need to know. Many stalking victims have had family and friends turn on them, and have been fired from jobs because of their stalkers, this is actually quite common and goes back to the issue of control. Since they can’t control you, they will try to control the people around you and damage your relationship with them and your reputation. Tell all of these people not to engage in any dialogue with your stalker, and to notify you IMMEDIATELY if they are contacted or even if they see them (because that means they are snooping around). You must also tell the people in your life not to give out ANY information about you either, even if the person is not your stalker, because word can and has gotten back to some stalkers. When this happens, it tends to trigger more stalking behavior.
- WATCH YOUR MAIL DELIVERY! If your mail is easily accessible, you need to start having it sent to a secure location. Maybe this means you send it to a friend or relative, or maybe it means you get a post office box. Do what you have to do, they can and have caused problems for others.
- LEARN YOUR LOCAL STALKING LAWS! If you need to go to court, you will need a paper trail. After you start collecting documentation into your stalking file or diary, you need to learn your local stalking laws. The laws vary from state to state, and country to country, so be sure to learn what they are. You also need to figure out what the criteria is for getting a restraining / personal protection / no contact order. After you’ve complied some documentation of their stalking behavior, you can present this as evidence to help you get started in court. These orders aren’t usually going to stop your stalker from stalking you, they are just to get them arrested and start that paper trail. The more court time you have for a particular person, the worse they are going to look in the eyes of a judge, magistrate, or jury. YES. THIS SUCKS. But it’s a process that you need to go through in order to get the resolution you need in your life. The legal process does help to bring your stalker back into reality and out of their delusions, but not always. If you have child visitation or custody arrangements with your stalker, you can still have these orders approved — and they will specify that the only time they can contact you is when it is to set up visitation arrangements. A woman I know had a restraining order on her soon to be ex-husband and he can only call her when it is about their children. He has certainly violated this order many times, but at least it gives her legal recourse against him.
- LOCATE AN ALTERNATE MEANS OF SHELTER! This may mean a women’s shelter, a crisis shelter, a homeless shelter, or a friend or relatives house that they can not locate. You may need to all of a sudden disappear one day to a place where your stalker can’t find you. Hey, it happens. Be prepared.
How To Collect Documentation
The reason stalking is a crime is because it’s a repeated pattern of unwanted contact. In order to prove someone is stalking you, you need to be organized, you need to create and update a timeline of events. This can be a file folder, a journal, a notebook, computer, etc.. And each time your stalker contacts you, you record the date, time, method of contact, who they contacted (you or someone else), details of the event, and any witnesses into your timeline.
Record as much detail about the event as possible. If you happen to keep track using your computer, make sure you print, sign and date it for every instance. This way no one can say that you’ve changed your computer files over the course of time. Your log could very well become legal evidence later on. If you have to start your log at a date much later than when you started being stalked, write up what you remember about past events on separate pages and the approximate dates on which they happened, and finally the date you wrote it down.
Keep a box for all PHYSICAL EVIDENCE. Place any gifts, letters, notes, and envelopes into plastic ziplock bags and write the time and date on the bag. Make sure you don’t touch any of the physical evidence too much, as you want to retain any fingerprints that are on them. You also don’t want to write on or alter the documents, etc.. in any way.
Keep a disc for all DIGITAL EVIDENCE. This includes all emails, instant messages, and social media posts. Screenshots are great, learn how to do that on your computer and phone if you do not yet know how. If you can and if it applies, capture any and all IP addresses. These can be found in email headers so make sure you learn where to look for them. Make sure you keep a hard copy of your digital files on a disk. This could mean burning them to CD or keeping them on an external flash or thumb drive.
Get a physical answering machine (I know these are outdated, but still…) placed on your home phone line to prevent you from answering your own phone. If your stalker leaves you any nice voicemails (or bad ones..) on a given day, label the tape and file it into your physical evidence box. Always use a new tape for the next day, because tapes can get damaged and destroyed and you don’t want all of the messages you’ve been collecting to be lost forever. Plain and simple, don’t answer your phone anymore, even if it’s someone you know. Just call them right back. You don’t want to answer and have it be your stalker, that just gives them the power all over again. Don’t take any chances, just call people back.
Finally, always keep a smartphone on you! Always. ALWAYS! Always! This is helpful if you run into them while you are out in your car, but also if they ever happen to cut your house phone line. You can also use it to take pictures and video of them for use in court later.
Dealing With Police & Courts
As I have already stated, this can be a real pain in the ass. Some of you may find yourselves in small towns where your stalker has connections to law enforcement or court employees and they are using their weight with them to mess with you. If this is happening to you, try moving your case to another court. Some of you may find yourselves dealing with cops that don’t really care. Remember that cops are just people too, and they are likely sick and tired of the drama of other people. Be real with them, be personable, win them over with your compassion. Do not poke the snake with a stick unless you’re prepared to suck out the venom. I know this from experience.
You also need to be able to keep your emotions together, especially with cops. Most cops are men and they don’t react well to your emotions. If you can, try and request a female officer, but again, try and keep it together as much as you can. The more you let yourself lose control, the harder it is to get people on your side. Don’t EVER lose your cool. EVER. It just works against you. Save your frustration for when you get out of a situation with police or court employees. Bitch all you want alone in your room with no one around. You will undoubtedly feel a wide range of emotions which you may wish to release. That’s fine. Just be smart about it, ok?
Cops can also be pretty careless. If you’re in hiding, you might need to warn them not to put your address on arrest reports or they risk your stalker finding you and continuing to harass you. I heard of one case where the cop wrote it on the report, and the woman said something, the cop redacted it, and then the stalker’s lawyer was able to get the unreacted version and the nut ended up finding them again.
If you have to call police in an emergency, and you are questioned by them use the LEAST amount of words possible. Keep the details short and brief. They don’t need, or want, the whole story. It just makes it harder to write their report. Don’t tell them things that are not directly relate to the situation at hand. Describe what happened clearly, in the order in which it happened, and let them ask the questions to get the information that they need. You may want to carry a one page summary of your case with you at all times. Keep the following details on your page:
– your name
– your contact info
– your stalkers name
– your stalkers contact info
– the date your case began
– your docket or case number
– a short list of the main stalking and criminal events
– your restraining order number
The bottom line is the more organized and calm and rational you are, the further you are going to get with your public servants.
COMING UP IN THE FINAL INSTALLMENT:
– It’s Time For You To WAKE UP!!!
– Conversation With A Woman In Fear For Her Life
– Protecting Yourself & Your Home
– The Shocking Conclusion To My Story!
– What Will You Take Away From These Articles?
Coming up in the final installment about obsessive ex’s. Make sure you read it!
P.S. If you’ve found this article helpful and/or informative please Comment, Tweet, Like, and +1 below.
UPDATE: More and more people are finding and reading these articles and are contacting me asking for help, so I have decided to start a private Facebook group for people who would like to vent, ask for help, connect with others, learn how to fight back, share their stories, and whatever else will contribute to others. To join the group, send me a friend request AND AND AND !!!! a message on Facebook (DO BOTH! I can’t add you to the group if we’re not friends because it’s a secret group and I won’t know why you’re sending a friend request if you don’t send a message too! DO BOTH!!!), and I will add you.