In Part 1 I started telling you my story of life with an obsessive ex. In Part 2 I discussed the motivation, denial of the breakup and the triggers for obsessive ex’s behavior.
In this third installment, I’ll discuss how people judge someone with an obsessive ex, the emotions that someone with an obsessive ex deals with, how you can begin to break free of being stalked, and the six stages of an obsessive ex. So let’s start with that.
The 6 Stages of Obsessive Ex’s
So there are 6 stages of behavior that obsessive ex’s will exhibit over the course of time. It’s possible that all stages may not be perceived right away, especially early on in the relationship. It’s not until you look back later can you clearly categorize some of their behaviors into these stages. It’s also possible that not all of these stages will occur in every case.
Stage 1 – Dating
The Obsessor finds someone who makes them feel powerful and important. They do whatever they can to attract that person into their life. Men may turn on the charm full blast. Women might too. In my case my ex pretended she was physically abused. This prompted the “white knight” in me and of course, I felt I had to rescue her. On an unconscious level, the Obsessor will test to see how much control they can have over the other persons life. If the Obsessor sees that they can manipulate their chosen partner, they will become even more attracted to them.
Stage 2 – Long Term Relationship
The Obsessor now makes their partner the center of their world, and will view them as the main symbol of him or her self. The Obsessor will then seek to establish complete control over the partners life, and a power struggle may ensue for this control. The Obsessor will use anything they can to preserve control of their world, including lies (my ex uses lies to create a reality that doesn’t exist but that her victims will believe), money (my ex used to say she was an “heiress” and would inherit a fortune when her parents died to try to get me to stay around, this never once was appealing enough for me to even consider it), intimidation (my ex would threaten to do things or would actually do things to embarrass me in front of others, making me look unprofessional), and violence (my ex would threaten to kill herself, she once bit a tow trick driver in the chest, she led the police on a low speed chase and refused to pull over, and even sent the police to the house where my family was living at 3 in the morning).
Stage 3 – Breaking Up
The Obsessor refuses to accept the relationship is over and that their partner is moving on. In the Obsessors view, it is not up to the partner to decide that the relationship is over and the Obsessor will argue continuously and try will try anything to regain control over their ex.
If both are going through divorce, the Obsessor may try delaying the trial or try to punish the ex in the divorce agreement.
If children are involved, the Obsessor will begin to view them as an object to be used to reclaim power. The Obsessor might use visitations to verbally attack their ex, and he or she might use the issue of custody as a way to maintain control over their ex.
Stage 4 – Stalking
The Obsessive Ex will continuously try making contact with their ex, and continue to try having conversations, even when their ex has made it clear there is nothing more to talk about.
Stalking behavior includes, but is not limited to following, watching, spying, monitoring, talking to other people about their ex, spreading rumors about their ex, keeping in con act with their ex’s friends, family, co-workers and anyone else who may know their ex.
It’s unfortunate that most people do not recognize this as stalking behavior, and they do not realize they too are being manipulated. The ex may not have the support of his or her friends, family and others; they will misinterpret the Obsessors behavior as having a broken heart and confuse it as “true love”; they will also think that the Obsessor will stop the behavior.
Stage 5 – Menacing
During this stage, Obsessive Ex’s will try to use intimidation in the way of contact, making threats or any other unlawful trespassing to try to win their ex back. They might make vague threats against their ex or any children that might be involved, including threats of kidnapping. The Obsessive Ex might use som forms of physical aggression including blocking or standing in the way of their ex or yelling while walking towards them. No physical contact is present in Stage 5. Unlawful trespassing includes behavior such as defamation of character, character assassination, blackmail, etc… Typically it is at this point that the victims friends and family and others will begin to recognize that the Obsessor is a serious problem.
Stage 6 – Physical Violence
At this stage, the Obsessor will do just about anything to reclaim power and control over their ex. Because the Obsessor sees others (including people, children and animals) as objects and places worth on them depending on how useful they are they are to him or her, the Obsessor overlooks the fact that they are live beings. Stage 6 is where an Obsessor is willing to kill pets, kidnap and or murder a child, or murder others (new partners, friends, family, etc…) who stand in their way.
Being Judged By Others
The other day I emailed my Singles Meetup group because I thought the first two articles would be a good read for anyone who might have a obsessive ex, and also because I believe she might have been contacting the people in my group, as that has been a pattern of her behavior in the past. The first email I received was from a friend trying to warn me that people were going to judge me. “Good!” I said, “Bring it on! It’ll make for good content on my blog! lol!” Here’s an email from a woman in my group shortly after I sent my email out.
Please do not email me articles like the one I just received from you about a crazy stalker ex. I did not join this meetup group to receive these kind of articles. How can you possibly trash and then call someone you supposedly loved a psycho? Weren’t you the one who chose to go out with her in the first place? OR was she not crazy when you met her but then she developed a mental disease as a result of dating you ? What do you think this article and your dysfunctional relationships say about you? Birds of a feather flock together ! If she is psycho, then SO ARE YOU ! Get off your high horse and stop airing your dirty linen for the whole world to see ! And I am not her nor do I know her or have any affiliation with her. I just think that what you are doing is wrong !
And here’s my response:
Thank you for the email. I’d like to respond to your comments.
First up, this attitude about blaming me for her actions is exactly why I’m speaking out. People have to realize that blaming the victim is harmful to the person being stalked. And, if you had taken the time to read the articles, you’d know that right off the bat I accepted responsibility for missing the warning signs.
It’s fine for you to have your opinion, I can respect that. But just because I loved someone at one point doesn’t mean I do anymore. And I have the right to change my mind on that.
There are many people who are afraid to speak out when they are stalked, believe me, I was afraid to speak out for a long time too. 4 years. I was ashamed and humiliated to have this woman acting that way towards me and contacting the people I know, embarrassing me like that, ruining my relationships. But in all that time of keeping it to myself, nothing has changed! I’m still being harassed.
Honestly, I’d much rather throw everything out there in the open and let the cards land where they may than have her operating in secrecy trying to tear me down.
I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. Please try to have a little bit of compassion.
As far as not wanting to receive anymore of my articles by email, with all due respect, this is my group. I will run it how I want to run it. You are free to change your email settings or leave my group if you really think you have to.
Whatever your choice, I respect your decision and wish you the best.
Again, thank you for the email. This discussion is helpful.
All the best,
Now, you may be wondering why I’m sharing this. It’s not easy being the subject of someone’s unhealthy stalking. I’ve remained quiet for 4 years. I’ve sat by, let her do her thing, never said a word, and dealt with all of the consequences. And nothing has changed. Wasn’t it Einstein who said that the definition of crazy was doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?
That’s not the only point though. People want to blame the victim. How is that helpful? Are people going to judge me for having an obsessive ex? Sure they are. But to be honest, I just don’t care anymore. Judge me. Call me crazy. Leave my Meetup group. Whatever you want to do, do it. Because I’m strong enough to take it and your opinions don’t matter that much to me. I’ve handled this alone for 4 years, and I if have to handle it alone now, well, big deal. But if I have at least one person come to me and say that me speaking out has inspired them to stand up for themselves and take action against their ex, then I will feel like I’ve done some good in this world.
Here is another email I received:
Wow, I think this is an incredibly inappropriate use of your email abilities as organizer of this group. It’s also extremely slanderous to talk about a person like this. I can’t quite tell if this is pure fake to try to drum up some business or partly real but you’re still abusing your own story and experiences to drum up business. Either way, totally inappropriate. I am leaving this group and want you to to ensure I don’t receive any future emails from you.
And here is my reply:
First let me say that I’m very grateful for your email and I’ll explain why if you care to hear me out.
I’m not slandering my ex because I’m not directly naming her. I’m simply calling attention to the fact that she’s operating in the shadows trying to destroy my reputation.
You made an accusation of me trying to “us[e] [my] own story and experiences to” “drum up some business”, let me just say that that is absolutely not my intention here.
So if that isn’t my intention, then what is?
For the last 4 years, I’ve remained silent about this, and I’ve continued to be the good little quiet victim that my ex would like me to be, while she continues to tear me down and destroy my reputation.
My blogs and the email I sent out are an effort to break out of that ineffective pattern (based on some of the research I’ve been doing about obsessive ex’s) and also to start some discussion about it.
It is very hard for victims of this type of abuse to speak out. I’m grateful for your email because it shows exactly what my next blog will be about, that when victims speak out they are usually judged for it.
Well, I’m not afraid of being judged anymore. For the past 4 years I was ashamed and humiliated to have this woman acting that way towards me and contacting the people I know, embarrassing me like that, ruining my relationships.
As far as your thoughts about my email being “totally inappropriate”, you are entitled to your opinion. I think there are people out there who are just as afraid and ashamed to deal with this as I was.
If my blogs and my email can help just one person stand up and confront their obsessive ex, then losing a few people from my group who would rather judge me than learn anything from my experiences will have been worth it.
I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. Please try to have a little bit of compassion.
Sorry you felt you had to leave the group. I respect your decision and wish you the best.
I sincerely wish to thank you if you have read this email. This discussion has been helpful.
All the best to you,
The Emotions That Healthy Ex’s Deal With
In both of my replies, I mention that I felt shame and humiliation. I was ashamed to have dated this girl and I was humiliated by her behavior. These are only two of the emotions I have felt, but by far, they were the toughest to deal with.
You read how that first person judged me and called me crazy too. Sometimes this is how people react. You have to deal with it when it happens. As you saw in my reply, I did not get defensive. I simply made myself vulnerable by sharing my perspective and revealing my feelings of shame and humiliation, and you know what? Their next email was much more respectful toward me. The other person did not reply. You can’t win ’em all, but at least you can win a few of them.
You certainly may face an uphill battle when you let people know you have an obsessive ex, especially if your ex is trying to turn your friends and family against you. And that could very well happen. When I broke it off with my ex she started sending friend requests to my friends on Facebook. She didn’t know my family well (and my family didn’t like her to begin with) so contacting them was pointless.
The worst emotion you will experience is fear. You must come from a place where you are fearless. Know that your ex is using your fear to control you and manipulate you. Again, with obsessive ex’s, it all comes down down to control. They just want to control you and they don’t really care how they do, just as long as they doing it. Smash through your fear and break free from their control. This is so important that I’m including a section of specific steps that you can use to break free from your obsessive ex.
How To Break Free From An Obsessive Ex
1. Give Them A Final Rejection
Your ex will try to manipulate you or negotiate with you. Do NOT let them. Turn down any requests for dates or meetings of any kind. Do NOT do any favors for them. While you are rejecting them, look them in the eye. Do NOT try to console them and do NOT touch them. Send a clear message that it’s over.
2. Do Not Reminisce
Don’t talk about the happy times you had with each other. Talk excitedly about your how you are happy now and how you’ve moved on. Trying to get you to remember how happy you may have been at one point is an attempt to control you emotionally. Do NOT fall for this.
3. Cut Off All Connection
As soon as you can, mail anything belonging to your ex to them in one shipment. This includes any gifts they may have given you. Your ex might continue contacting you. Block them anywhere and everywhere you can, including but not limited to email, Facebook (and any other social networking sites you are connected on) and phone. You may also need to get a new and unlisted phone number. Return any mail they send. Do NOT contact them at all by any means. For them to be clear that there is no hope of getting back together you must send a strong message that you are done.
4. Send A Stern Warning If Your Ex Persists
When it is clear that your ex does not intend on going away, warn them that if they keep it up you will take legal action. Be prepared to contact the authorities, especially if you receive any threats. Be prepared to get a no contact order, a restraining order or a civil protection order. Do everything you can to ensure that you live a peaceful life.
5. Speak Out To Your Friends, Family & Co-Workers About Your Ex
You’re going to need support, plain and simple, and you need your friends and family on your side. You have to make them aware that your ex may try to move in on them and try to use them against you. Don’t go into the relationship or talk about how bad your ex was or is by giving examples of their behavior, as this could be interpreted as you trying to be manipulative, just make it clear you are done with the relationship and you are moving forward.
It’s critical that you get to them first and make them aware of the situation, before your ex can manipulate them in his or her favor, using the above mentioned tactic about talking bad about you. Your ex will try making themselves out to be a victim, and they will try to play on the sympathy of your friends and family. Warn your friends and family that that’s what your ex will try to do. Tell them to inform your ex that they don’t want to be in the middle and instruct them to stop communicating with your ex as soon as possible. This may be harder if you have mutual friends, and you must be willing to let go of those friends if they choose to side with your ex.
After I broke up with my ex she started sending my friends requests on Facebook. I didn’t set this frame with my friends right away, and so when I finally got around to telling them, they told me that they didn’t want to be in the middle. Needless to say, I didn’t keep them as friends once they showed their true colors.
Also, you must be willing to handle people blaming you for your ex’s behavior but you must accept that and speak out anyway. Speaking out is so very critical for moving forward because it gives you the strength you need to make it through this.
6. Start Building A Case
It’s possible that you’ll need evidence for a court case if thing go that far. Hopefully they don’t, but save any and all communications from your ex, including things like emails, text messages, notes, letters, voice messages. Save it all to prove that you’re receiving unwanted attention. Keep a detailed journal of everything your ex does. Be sure to report any illegal and unlawful activities to the police as soon as it happens. If he or she is calling you on the phone, report the calls to your phone company and have them take note of the unwanted calls.
7. Notify The Police
It would be foolish to tell you the police are going to protect you, but see number 9 for more about this. The police can only do something if your ex is on your property or in your house when they arrive. If your ex flee’s beforehand the police won’t do anything, but hey, at least they’ve left. At this point if your ex is making unwanted visits they are stalking you. Make sure you file a report with the police about what took place. One reason you’re calling the police is to continue to build a case with paperwork and after this you can file for a restraining order or something similar.
If you absolutely have to, move. Do not list your new address. Ask the Department of Motor Vehicles and the Voter Registration Bureau to block your address. Have your mail forwarded to a post office box and don’t open packages if you don’t know who they’re from.
9. Protect Your Self At All Times
As I mentioned earlier, the police aren’t there to make sure you’re safe. They have no obligation to protect you, despite what you may think. It’s up to you to protect yourself. I advise you to get a permit to carry and get a firearm. Never mind less-than-lethal protection. Forget about it. Your life is your responsibility. Take it seriously. You can also take Brazilian Jiu Jitsu classes to learn how to defend yourself. Carry a cell phone with you at all times and maybe even get a guard dog.
If your ex has a habit of showing up, it’s your responsibility to always be on the lookout. You can have your neighbors and co-workers keep an eye open for any suspicious activity when you are coming and going to and from your home and your place of work. The more eyes you have on you the better.
COMING UP IN PART FOUR…
Yes I know, I promised you a couple more things. Those being:
– What You’re Doing That Is Keeping Your Obsessive Ex Around
– My Motivation For This Article and
– My Conclusion To This Article
They’re all coming up in the final blog about obsessive ex’s. Make sure you read it!
P.S. If you’ve found this article helpful and/or informative please Comment, Tweet, Like, and +1 below.
UPDATE: More and more people are finding and reading these articles and are contacting me asking for help, so I have decided to start a private Facebook group for people who would like to vent, ask for help, connect with others, learn how to fight back, share their stories, and whatever else will contribute to others. To join the group, send me a friend request and a message on Facebook (I can’t add you otherwise because it’s a secret group), and I will add you.
April 29, 2014 @ 4:55 PM
Hello… it felt unbelievably comforting to realise that there are people out there struggling with the same issue.. I received threatening messages for a year by now & my friends received also messages telling them that I am a prostitute.. they never believed it but I can see it in their eyes ..they’re getting cautious.. when it comes to talking to me. My boyfriend got beaten up violently, to leave me.. but eventually I left him as I couldn’t withstand the regret that took over me! Now I’m terrified of making new friends, horrified to walk in the street & mostly… don’t want my parents to know about any of this… I’m not even sure about the stalker’s identity. The stalker wants to push people away from me & feel like he owns me.. in one of his messages he described what I did all day long in my house! Describing my body, my mothers body & my sister’s too… I got insulted so did my whole family.. I’m ashamed.. I even had suicidal ideas… but it is indescribably unfair, as I’m only 16 years old & all I ever think about is when will I find an escape from all of this? Will I travel..? Create a fresh start.. & forget all about my robbed childhood & atrocious teenage years? Or will I stay here.. & continue the bloodsucking struggle journey?
April 29, 2014 @ 5:38 PM
The reason I wrote this all up is to help people like you, people who are living in fear and need a solution.
You say you are only 16?
You need to start talking to people. Like, right now.
Start with your mother. Show her everything you’ve been getting.
Then go to the police, and if you are living in the United States, the FBI.
Whoever is doing this is committing a crime and they need a scary wake up call.
You need to take action and you need to take it now.
Talk to your mother, then call the police/FBI.
Get this handled and claim your life back.
You are a minor and you are in danger and you need to speak up.
If you need support, I am here for with whatever you need.
You can email, you can call, we could even get on Skype.
Whatever you think will help.
But the first thing you need to do is talk to your mother.
Do that right now.
Please be in touch and keep me updated of your situation.
All my best,
May 1, 2014 @ 9:13 AM
Well… I did talk to her.. & all her response was changing my phone number…
Let me tell you about my ex.
The stalking incident happened last year, but with different type of threats & never reached violence.. then stopped then returned back over & over again then finally stopped for a long while & during that time I broke up with my ex for some reasons.. then he started calling daily to get me back, we literally fought everyday on the phone.. then finally he stopped calling, then I spent 2 weaks without receiving any calls from him. One day he called & told me that someone made up a fake fb account & photoshoped my pictures on inappropriate ones.. his tone was way different than our last conversation… after that I got scared & started talking to him. I started receiving the messages, but they were in a different writing style, also some of its content were things my ex was the only person who knew about them… things got out of control so I told mom & she told me that my ex just invented those incidents so that he can get me back & changed my phone number… he got it from someone & called me & said that he got beaten up by strangers who were asking for my phone number.. (he used to tell me this thing several times when we talked & I felt responsible for everything that happened to him)
In my last phone call with him, I told him that if I received messages anymore, I’ll be sure that you’re the one behind all of this or whoever’s doing this got my phone number through YOU . Then w never talked again..Later, a good friend told me that my ex told him that he whe ants to hurt me badly & asked for my phone number again, then they faught & never talked again then later he also received messages from an anonymous number cursing him & also asking for my number…
The reason I ‘m horrified of making friends, is that I don’t want them to receive such messages it’s definitely frightening.. at least I got used to it but they can’t take it…
Few days ago I received the first threatening message since a 6 months…
Actually, my family & I are not definitely the kind of people who’d put someone in jail .. specially if he was really young..
I’d really like to know your opinion, since you’re so experienced in this area.. Do you think it is my ex !?
Thank you .
P.S. You will realise that there is a contradiction between my comments
It is becuase, some of the incidents were not ordered correctly ..Sorry
May 2, 2014 @ 4:16 AM
There are 3 things that stand out at me in your most recent comment.
1. I felt responsible
2. I got used to it
3. my family & I are not definitely the kind of people who’d put someone in jail
Let me break these down more and explain why.
1. I felt responsible
This is a very common experience among walking and harassment victims. You are ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for this. You aren’t responsible for someone else’s actions or thoughts. You aren’t. You need to wake up and realize this because if you want this behavior to stop, you need to change the way you think about a few things.
2. I got used to it
Think about what you’re saying here…
If a man beats a woman everyday for 10 years, does it make it any less wrong because she is used to it, or is it still just as wrong as the first time?
This isn’t a normal or healthy thing for 16 year old female to be used to. Think about how being used to this is going to affect all of your future relationships.
You’re young right now, you don’t yet have the gift of hindsight, and this unhealthy pattern of behavior is ingraining itself in your model of relationships.
I want to take a second and talk about how important that word “model” is. If you were to build one of those little model ships inside of a bottle, and you used a very low quality grade glue, you wouldn’t end up with a very good model ship would you? It would begin to fall apart very quickly.
That’s what will happen to your future relationships because of the model you’re learning how to build right now. That’s not what you want, isn’t it?
That means that you need to take some action and break out of those bad patterns now. Stop living in fear and start taking control over the situation.
3. my family & I are not definitely the kind of people who’d put someone in jail
Basically what you’re saying here is that your family condones emotional and psychological abuse. They don’t really condone that, do they?
Of course they don’t. No condones that kind of behavior.
Can you imagine how standing up to this person right now might save someone else’s life later on down the road? What if that happened? Would you feel like you could have done something but didn’t because you were afraid?
Your stalker is behaving as he does because he can’t process his emotions in a healthy way. That’s something that he needs to address through counseling. He needs to work through his emotions and realize his actions aren’t healthy.
If someone doesn’t confront him about this, he’ll continue on into his life thinking it’s okay to keep doing these things, especially if he never gets in trouble for it now. It’s possible he could escalate to beyond what he’s taken to doing now.
So in the long run, confronting him is about doing him (and potentially other women in the future) a great service.
You’re too young to be worried about these kinds of things. You need to be healthy again. Do the right thing for all involved and take charge of this situation.
All my best,
May 2, 2014 @ 11:05 AM
Well, thank you so much for all your advice. I definitely needed this. Hopefully, I will be able to take control of my life again.
Thank you again.
May 3, 2014 @ 2:55 PM
You’re welcome, let me know how things turn out for you. Best wishes. ~M
June 17, 2014 @ 4:14 PM
Thanks for sharing. I am currently dealing with the situation of which you speak. My ex was ABUSIVE. Not physically, but emotionally and verbally. I finally mustered up the courage to leave this man, and life was peaceful..for a slight spell (this was in November 2012 when I left). This man came to my job, deflated my tires, followed me to my new place of residence, followed me around the city (i used to live in a major US city). I got a new job, and moved to a different state. Fast forward to NOW, 2014..and this man is STILL trying..He has attempted to contact me through my family (who thank goodness are putting up a very solid front), and looking at my Linked in Profiles,my FB page (no, we are not FB friends), and has tried to call me from unidentified numbers. After telling him firmly, there is no way in Hades that we will be friends or anything beyond that…he is STILL trying. At this point, I know it’s obsessive behavior, and though I am several states away, I am still a bit leery of my surroundings. I would suggest to you also to read “Coping with a Psychopath”. It details the variuos types of stalkers and how to deal with them. I definitely empathize with you, and wish you the best of luck. Stalking, is SERIOUS as the victim never knows when/how the stalker is going to strike. If people don’t take it seriously, they should. It’s no laughing matter.
June 17, 2014 @ 4:57 PM
I get so much spam on this article and keeping up with it a mighty big pain, so I am delighted to see a real comment here. : )
But then I realize why we’re all here again…
I am glad you are as far away as you are from your stalker and that your friends and family support you, that’s a great place to be.
Thank you for the recommendation as well, I will definitely look into “Coping with a Psychopath”.
There’s been a crazy twist of events with my stalker. I need to finish writing the blogs (I have 2 more planned) and post them. I’ll try doing that tonight.
Thank for your comment,
September 3, 2014 @ 1:00 AM
I really would like to thank you for the article. It has been very helpful considering that I too am suffering with a crazy ex. It started with please comeback then the children get drug into it then threats about telling mynew gf about encounters that never took place.im looking forward to the continuation of the article. Good luck
September 9, 2014 @ 11:18 PM
I have been married six years to a controlling, stalker. I have left him to many times to count only to have him show up and act like nothing happened. It’s been the hardest thing to break it off with him. I’m worn out . totally drained, can barely smile, I have no support group family and friends are gone. I e d up giving in and hoping it to get better.. only to end up in so much pain for the loss of a marriage I can’t seem to fix. He would call me, text me non stop to the point I couldn’t stand my phone riding and now no one can talk to me on the phone I shut my ringer off. He shows up everywhere I go. Tracks my phone..held cat and kittens to control me. Drives by my house.. neighbors called me. Broke in my house. Did the gas lighting thing (if u don’t know what this is. Google it ). He has talked me out of divorce many times after going to attorney. All I can say is he has fucked the joy out of me and my spirit is broken without support systems you feel stuck..trapped..
September 11, 2014 @ 6:27 AM
I currently am dealing with my husbands crazy ex. I feel hopeless. She spreads nasty rumors. Tells lies and text messages my husband at least 30 times a day. The text are regarding the children. But come one… 30+ text a day. She acts like my husband is incompetent and she must tell him every detail of what the children did that day and what we have t do when the kids are with us… My husband finally blocked her, because of the stress and drama she was causing. It was interfering with his work. Of course she just continues texting from a different number. It’s sad and ridiculous. My husband is exhausted. I am exhausted. It’s to the point and been going on so long. I don’t see the light in my husbands eyes anymore. He seems like he is living everyday, just to make it to the next. It’s very sad. I love him and I hate to see the effects it has had on him, me, my child and his children. The ex was diagnosed with borderline personaility disorder. But I believe her to be a sociopath. Sociopath lie about everything. So it is hard for a physchitrist to diagnose a sociopath.
October 12, 2014 @ 6:32 PM
You and your husband may want to look into Our Family Wizard. It is a monitored family email that cannot be tampered with. It can take control away from her by giving her only 1 means of communication that she cannot lie about. I have heard it can make life much easier for co-parenting with a crazy ex.
September 18, 2014 @ 5:56 PM
thanks so much for this blog or form. U have no idea how alone I have been feeling. My boss stalked me and ruined my life and in turn my now ex boyfriend broke up with me because of it and now he is stalking me and my current boyfriend thinks it’s my fault and I can control it. Is there anyway to make people see I dint want this behavior. I want peace and to be left alone. I’m sick of playing victim but then if I behave anyway else I deserve it. I’m so sick of being scared blamed acussed and stomped on by people who claim to care. Please help
October 12, 2014 @ 3:16 PM
If you are sick of playing victim, you must start to play the aggressor and let your stalker know you won’t take it anymore. Start by following the list I wrote out in Part 3 of the article (above). You can also contact me if you need more help. ~Matt
October 11, 2014 @ 9:04 PM
Thank you for making public what happens to so many people. I was actually stalked by my husbands ex. Something to include is if you are in a relationship with someone who has a crazy ex, you can also become a target. I was forced into getting a no contact stalking order to stop the direct abuse. I am sure she is still out there slandering us and playing the victim; however, she no longer has contact with us. I am sure she has her spies keeping track and she is probably gnashing her teeth to know he has moved on and our life is improving daily. Everything she has done to sabotage his life has backfired. He is happy, successful and living the life she wanted him to never have.
October 12, 2014 @ 3:19 PM
Thank you, MKeeney, you are correct that new significant others can become targets too. I will be sure to include that in one of the last two parts of the article. I have several examples of behavior to include that my stalker ex did to the mother of my children, mainly in an effort to kill her.
October 24, 2014 @ 5:58 PM
Matt I want to thank you for this article. I see I am about 2 years too late for discussion but I do hope you get a chance to read this.
I am currently dealing with a similar issue with an ex. I dated her in 2012 in England and she moved back home to India and I moved back home to California. Since that time she has done everything to ruin my relationships and peace of mind. It has been incredibly stressful and annoying. I never knew there could be something so detrimental stemming from a relationship.
I tried years later in 2014 to reach out to friends/classmates common to us to no avail. People treated me like I was doing something wrong. They couldn’t believe this small “kind” woman could be terrorizing my household. It must be me. I was even told that I have to me misunderstanding her…cant really misunderstand someone trying to get back with you over and over even when you tell them to stop and leave you alone, including the fact you’re in a committed relationship.
Over these years I have told her incessantly to leave me alone. Ive done so with force, anger, kindness, calmness, quietness, nothing worked. I told her she was destroying my family and life. She didn’t care, she just wanted to be with me and carry on, even though there is like a 12 hour difference…Ive been called a soulmate runner, which is the absolutely craziest thing I have ever heard of.
So after reading some articles on people being stalked, I came across one where a woman went on the attack of her stalker and made a facebook page, shaming him. Of course people thought that was cruel, it worked and he stopped.
I thought to myself the next day, I should do the same. I could see that even after she agreed a month ago to leave me alone and get rid of her social media sites, that not only is she back, but she is again viewing my profile(s) on Facebook and Linkedin. So I created a page for her, which highlights all of what she has done, including emails and gchats (where its 2am and shes “talking” to me having a conversation) and sharing it with her job to let them know that she needs help. I refuse to be a victim anymore. I am not going to hide. And I am not going to let this woman take the steering wheel. I don’t like being a victim and damn sure don’t like letting someone else have this control. If anything, it is time we take control of these unfortunate situations.
When I told my friends what I was doing, they called me vindictive. Again, the cases and understanding of the stalked is low. People really do not get how damaging this is to your mental and safety. So much is taken from you. This is something anyone can do regardless of their physical stature, and in my case location. The location factor has given her more power than anything else. I cant physically stop her, and legally we have no jurisdiction. So it is in my hands to figure out what to do and own it. But in all, I would like to thank you for this. I have been searching for more outlets and men voicing their stories.
October 24, 2014 @ 6:29 PM
Thank you for your comment. You are by no means late to the conversation. There are on-going conversations as more and more people who need help find these articles.
It’s great to hear that you have begun fighting back. No, it’s really not what we want to do, but it’s something we have to do in order to get the peace that we want. Your case is especially tough being that you and your stalker ex are on different continents, but I do think that you are taking the right steps to get her to stop and I hope you may have found some helpful tips here.
You don’t say in your comment so I want to bring it up… Are you still actively communicating with and responding to her? If so, you are being part of the problem and you need to stop. If not, good for you, keep it up.
I have 2 or even 3 more articles to finish in this series, and it would be helpful if I included the tactic of creating a “shaming” page for stalkers. I’m wondering it you would privately send me a link to yours and your friends (if you have it), so that I may be able to study certain aspects of them (what works, what doesn’t, they types of communications the stalkers send, etc…) Just leave a comment with the links for me and they will remain unpublished.
Finally, I would like to recommend that you start speaking out publicly about what has happened, especially to those circles that you feel alienated from over this. Be vulnerable. Make a video or write a blog (video is better), and let people know what she has done to hurt you, how you have been feeling and how you have been treated by friends and family since she started her attacks.
All my best,
November 6, 2014 @ 2:38 AM
I am glad to read your article. I have lived life with a stalker for the past 8 years. It has affected me mentally, as I’m always checking my surroundings and looking for someone to be following me. Unfortunately my daughter is a victim too. I was just like you and never spoke out about it for years well finally he was arrested at my job. Friends and family blamed me. He kept running to them playing the victim. three years later- he’s still stalking me. I now carry a gun and will hate to have to shoot him but I plan to pop his legs, If
need be. We have a 7 yr. old daughter, she’s not aware of his problem. He uses her to his stalking me benefit. My oldest daughter is a victim. He has robbed us of living normally and I also have MS so stress from him has caused many relapses. I will have nightmares if I must shoot him but he don’t care about police or going to jail, that’s been proven many times. It’s very sad for me that my girls are exposed to this lifestyle but hopefully they’ll understand later and you bet they will be cautious. Thank you for taking time to reach out cause I’ve felt ALONE for many years.
January 8, 2017 @ 12:52 AM
I hope this finds you well.
Thank you for your comment. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re dealing with this stalker ex issue. It’s been a little over 2 years since you left your comment. Has your situation improved at all? Is it worse? Is it the same?
A while back, I started a support group on Facebook because my articles started to get a lot of comments from people going through the same thing. Reach out to me there and let’s get you into the group. Community support is so important. https://www.facebook.com/MattSAdams
All my best,
November 11, 2014 @ 11:49 AM
Matt- Thank you for your posts. I can relate so much with all that you expressed. For 6 years, my husband’s ex-wife has terrorized him, their children and me in her pursuit of destroying anything that is good. We have been told to ignore her, to create our own lives in spite of her weekly intrusions (via harassing phone calls and emails). We have grown accustomed to “the look” from parents, teachers, coaches, neighbors, etc., who she has contacted to defame our characters. Some other pathological behaviors she has exhibited: (1) Bipolar calling: Calling my husband 10 times in a row, then sending emails threatening to call the police or file a false police report; (2) Having friends pose as concerned people who contact my family, teachers, administrators, coaches, etc., stating that I am a child abuser; (3) Leaving sexually exploit materials at my doorstep in the middle of the day; (4) Refusing to give my husband any latitude with regard to visitation, and enticing the kids to do social activities during his time with her; (5) Driving by our house, and having friends come by sporting events to check up on us…I have grown tired of the her chaos. We cannot even go on vacation with our four kids without her interference. What makes it worse is that my husband’s ex and my ex commiserate together to make our 4 children’s lives, and ours miserable. I understand that I do not have control over these people, and they can do whatever they want, as long as it’s not illegal. However, like you, it comes a time to talk about it. We need emotional support from others, but I recognize that if someone never went through it, they cannot relate. Some people, like the ones in your group, will fault you for other people’s behavior, and your courage to go public with your experiences. If you have any advice on our situation, I would greatly appreciate it. “No Contact” isn’t available for either one of us, since we are required by court orders to communicate with the other parent on certain notifications. Thank you for talking about your experiences- it helps me and a whole lot of people!
January 8, 2017 @ 1:01 AM
I hope you are well. Just over a couple of years ago you commented on my blog about Crazy Psycho Stalker Obsessive Ex’s. The situation with you and your husbands ex’s sounds horrible, yet familiar. A couple of months after you commented, I started a support group on Facebook. There’s a woman in there with a similar story. Please connect with me there and let’s get you and your husband into the group. Community is very important in situations like these. https://www.facebook.com/MattSAdams
All my best,
January 27, 2017 @ 7:06 AM
My ex from years ago began a campaign of stalking against me for six months. He used to walk by workplace and spit on the window and he’d pee in my petrol tank.. what he did to my pets I still cant talk about. I found out recently that this disgusting man, Laurence Coghlan, is still at it: tormenting other women. There are now 3 that we know about. Be warned. He is very dangerous. He is from Wyong, Australia and he will typically become violent – then relentless stalk you once you leave him.
February 2, 2017 @ 10:01 PM
Ugh, sorry you’re having this experience, Rebecca. It sounds like you may find strength in numbers if there are other women you can band together with to collect evidence and prosecute him if the law allows there. If you’re interested, join the support group, we’re pretty active in there. Would be great to help a team of you gals to ward this guy off. ~M
August 27, 2017 @ 6:04 AM
Wow. Just came across this. Do I have a stalker story. It’s been going on for many years, and the person who’s been doing it is (drum roll) my own (extremely jealous) sister. Enabled and made excuses for over and over again by, unbelievably, OUR MOTHER – who turned out to be the psycho of psychos. However rather than go into detail let’s just say I totally sympathize and empathize with those brave enough to write their stories here, as this stuff is REAL and there are sick people in this world.