There are many things that contribute to our failure to get what we want, but they all start upstairs. The thoughts we have about dating… Well, let’s not even start there because that isn’t the main problem. Let’s start with what we think about ourselves, which is the deeper, more pertinent underlying issue.

What we think about ourselves is the most important thing that determines the results that we produce in our lives. If we aren’t getting the results we want then we have to trace it back to what and how we’re thinking about ourselves. Our negative thoughts and beliefs are called Limiting Beliefs. They limit the results that we get.

For instance, people who go on a diet typically fail because all they are thinking about is eating. They think things like “I can’t eat that or I’ll get fat.” “I can’t eat this or I’ll get fat.” “I’m so hungry!” or “I wish I could eat that!”. All of these thoughts are still focused on what they DON’T want to do; EAT!

If they just made subtle shifts in their thinking, they would produce better results. For example: “Eating carrots will help me lose weight.” “Eating oranges will help me lose weight.” “I’m full now.” or “Eating that won’t make me skinny.”

So what can we do to fix this? Here’s a great quote that comes to mind:

“Man’s mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.”
Oliver Wendell Holmes
US author & physician (1809 – 1894)

In order to fix our problems with dating and relationships, we need to adopt new ways of thinking about ourselves. What ways? Well before we can choose what new thoughts we want to adopt, we need to figure out what out bad thoughts about dating and relationships are.

To do this, you have to write down what you currently think about dating and relationships. For some people it may be “I don’t think I’m attractive enough.” “Who would want to date ME?” or “I don’t know how to find someone”. All of those thoughts are focused on what you DON’T want.

After we have a good idea what our negative thoughts, aka our Limiting Beliefs, are, we need to create more options for our minds to think. Often times we get stuck thinking the bad thoughts because those thoughts are the only options we think we have. But we’re wrong. There’s always more than one way to think and there’s always more than two ways to think, etc.

For example, if someone didn’t think they were attractive enough, I would ask them “What can you do to improve your attractiveness to others?” This question forces them to start thinking about being more attractive. If someone thought no one wanted to date them, I would ask them “Who WOULD want to date you?”. It’s a very subtle shift in thinking, but again, it forces the person to start thinking in a new direction. And lastly, if someone thought they didn’t know where to find someone to date, I’d ask them where they’d like to go if they weren’t looking to find a date. Then they start thinking about where they would like to go and what they’d like to do. And then they start thinking about meeting someone who likes to do what they are interested in doing.

Once we realize we have more than one way to think about something, we can start thinking down new paths and start creating new realities and possibilities for ourselves.

~Matt Adams