Yes, at a certain very young age in my life, I cheated. I’m not happy to admit that, hell, I wasn’t even happy about it at the time, but… I suppose in a way I’m glad I can talk about it as something I overcame, put in my past, and left long behind me. Which leads me to my first point.
If what you see in the mirror is broken, you don’t fix the mirror…
1. I Hated Cheating
Yeah, I actually hated cheating. I hated lying to someone I loved and cared so much for, about where I’d been, who I was with, and of course, what I’d been doing. Even when I was flat out asked or accused I would lie to her face. The biggest problem with this was if you can’t love what you’re doing, you can’t love yourself. And not loving myself wasn’t just a problem for me in this arena, there were many other places in my life where I wasn’t loving myself. I remember drinking an entire bottle of Jaegermeister one night, because I felt so awful about how I had been treating the person I was in a relationship with at the time, and I got so sick that had to call HER for help. As if that didn’t compound the problem even further. I wanted more than anything to tell her the truth, to have a real conversation about discovering who I was, about the attractions I felt toward other women… But I never had the courage because I was afraid of everything that might happen.
2. It Wasn’t About My Partner AT ALL…
Part of the reason I was so afraid to tell her was because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I didn’t want her thinking it had anything to do with her at all because it didn’t. She was a damn good lover, had food on the table for me most of the time when I got home, I loved her personality and the banter that we had… I was not unhappy with her by any means. I was, however, unhappy that I couldn’t honestly be myself and share who I was with her without fear of losing her. I thought if she knew who I was, she’d never accept me, and this was partly right. But I was at an age (19-21) where I was beginning to discover myself, and I was too young to be in as serious a relationship as I was in. I was still growing as a person, but I had all of societies expectations of who I was “supposed to be” in that relationship, what I was “supposed to be” doing, and what I “shouldn’t” be doing, as well as all of the religious programming I was raised with, the relationship model I learned from my parents -oh, and let me not forget to include how their being so judgmental of me interfered with everything in my life
3. I Liked Getting To Know And Have Sex With More Than One Woman At The Same Time I Was Getting To Know One Woman Even More
As obvious as this sounds, it’s crucial to talk more about this before moving on to my other points. I absolutely loved getting to know other women, sharing my body with them, indulging in the pleasure that their bodies brought me, noticing their flaws and realizing that’s what actually made them different from other women (women are more alike than they want to think), and spending quality time with them. It was energizing and invigorating and made me feel free to be me all at the same time. But I liked coming home to someone too, and sharing more time with one woman than any other made her special to me – she was special to me for many reasons, this just added to the list… .
4. Monogamy Was NOT For ME
I got to a point of hating myself that I could no longer bare, and I decided to be monogamous again. That lasted for a couple of years before I became so unhappy that I was constantly fighting with my girlfriend and I really couldn’t tolerate being in that relationship the way things were anymore. I needed to separate from my girlfriend and move out. I was at the end of my rope, I was lost, and I didn’t know what to do. I really didn’t know what I’d do, I remember thinking that I’d just start over. I had arranged to move in with a friend and that same night I moved out of her place and into his and his girlfriends place, they took me drinking at a fetish club and exposed me to completely new world where anything was possible. Later that night, I was fingering his girlfriend in the back of his car while he was driving, with his other girlfriend in the front seat next to him. When we got “home” things spilled out onto the living room floor, and I fucked his primary girlfriend while he fucked his secondary girlfriend. The next day my head was spinning from what had happened. There was no jealousy, they were laughing about taking me out and initiating me into their world. I got the sense that everything was ok, and that it wasn’t a big deal. And wait, “Dude! You have two girlfriends?!!” What was happening here? How was this possible?
5. I Needed A New Relationship Model – Something… Beyond Monogamy…
That experience and many many more after it started me down a new path of not exploring and learning how to navigate any kind of relationship beyond monogamy, buy it gave me a word that I had needed all of my life but never had; Polyamory. It basically means “many loves”, but when I took the time to explore it, to me it meant “any and all relationship configurations beyond monogamy”. Not only that, but there were rules, rules that included honesty, something I so longed for in my darkest hours. I realized it was possible to have the kind of relationship I wanted as long as I was being honest about it and my other partners and/or lovers consented to it. I also learned to speak the terms of the relationship I wanted, and a whole ton of communication skills that helped me deal with the issues that would inevitably rise as I went along this new path. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t just make this miraculous change, I still made plenty of mistakes along the way, but I kept at it. As time went by, some of the conditions that others set out for me and that I agreed to didn’t work for me anymore. For instance, my long-term girlfriend didn’t want to know anything about what else I was doing or who else I was seeing or fucking. Initially I was fine with that because it meant that I’d have the freedom to go explore, and I wanted that! Oh how I wanted that… But after time, I realized that I wanted to share those things with her… Without realizing it, I wanted to make myself vulnerable to her, and she, with her rule, was shutting that down for me. I also realized I had sexual fantasies I wanted to live out with her, that she didn’t want to participate in.
…you fix the person in it.
6. Relationships Are Fluid, 7. Relationships Take Work, & 8. Trust Once Broken May Never Return
After writing about polyamory I didn’t want to say “two people” working on it, but in my case, that’s what it was; my long-term gf and I. After getting to the 2 aforementioned points about wanting to share all of my real feelings with her as well as wanting engage in sexual exploration as a couple, for a long time I tried to break down her walls and get her to open her up to me. She was just unwilling to bend on those things. With me looking to grow in that direction, and her not wanting any part of either of those, after years of feeling like I was the only person working on the relationship, I decided to end it. After being with her for so many years, not feeling like I had her trust to get her to go there with me took it’s toll. I’m sure that because I had broken her trust at different points in the relationship made her extremely reluctant to anything like that with me. The fact that, by then, I had so many relationship tools that could have helped us heal, but that we couldn’t even talk about those things told me it was time to end it. So I did.
And since then I’ve been building a wonderful relationship with an amazing woman. One where I am free to reveal my feelings and desires about other women, go on dates and search for the second long-term relationship that I want, and most importantly I don’t feel like I’m hiding a part of myself from her or being judged for who I am. Just the opposite, I feel like sharing that part of me bring us closer together, builds more trust, and keeps the lines of communication open for us to talk about anything we want with each other. I haven’t cheated in a very, very long time, over 16 years now. I’m proud of myself for that. But more so, I’m proud that I could finally get to a place that I didn’t even think was possible.
InPart 1I started telling you my story of life with an obsessive ex. InPart 2I discussed the motivation, denial of the breakup and the triggers for obsessive ex’s behavior.
InPart 3I discussed how people judge someone with an obsessive ex, the emotions that someone with an obsessive ex deals with, how you can begin to break free of being stalked, and the six stages of an obsessive ex. InPart 4I revealed my motivation for writing these articles, 3 crazy stories about her, 3 things you’re doing to keep your crazy ex around, and how to take action against your crazy ex.
InPart 5I discussed how to let go of your stalker ex and the 3 reasons why obsessive ex’s stalk us. In this final installment, Part 6, I will reveal the shocking conclusion to this storyline and how it all came to an abrupt end!
It’s Time For You To WAKE UP!!!
A lot of people contact me thanking me for writing these articles. Most of them just want to say they don’t feel alone anymore. Some of them want to join the support group. Every once in a while, I get contacted by someone who needs immediate help. They are usually women and they are usually being physically abused. This article is mostly for people (yes, men too) in physically abusive and escalating situations, people who’s lives may be in immediate danger. People who may still be so close to what’s happening to them, that they can’t see the forest through the trees. They downplay their own danger, and are in denial of what’s really going on.
Below is a typical conversation I have with someone in this type of situation. I have her permission to post this because she understands how it may be helpful to you, the reader, because of how helpful it was for her. I have changed enough about the conversation to both protect her identity and situation, and so that it reads almost as if anyone anywhere in the world were reading it. If you feel as if your life may be in danger, pretend you are the anonymous woman in this conversation. It just might wake you and save your life.
Conversation With A Woman In Fear For Her Life:
Anonymous Woman: I saw your article and I am being stalked by my ex. May I join your group?
Matt: Hi Anonymous Woman. I’m glad you reached out. What’s been going on for you?
Anonymous Woman: My ex was arrested for criminal harassment. I’m am very frightened of him.
Matt: Usually when I ask that question, people tell me their story.
Anonymous Woman: My ex was arrested last weekend. He stole my phone, put spyware on it, and has been tracking me. The local police have arrested him and taken his phone and mine for evidence. I believe he is still tracking me as I’m getting weird texts. I have reported it to the police tonight. I’m afraid to go out of my house. I feel I’m being watched. He had five charges laid against him for what he did to me. He wrestled me to the ground and stole my phone at xmas. He was charged with robbery and assault causing bodily harm. We have three kids and they are with me. I believe he is very angry with me and can’t accept I do not want to go back to him. I’m in [place of residence] by the way.
Matt: I hear you… What capabilities do you think he has to track you with the spyware? Does he just know your GPS location? Can he get any correspondence between you and others? Are you on your phone right now?
Anonymous Woman: Yes he has he knew things he couldn’t possibly know. Yes I have a new phone the police have the one he stole He also said my phone was telling him things
Matt: You think he has spyware on this new phone or not?
Anonymous Woman: Many times in text. I don’t know if can track my number. I have an iPhone can he hack my number it’s the same.
Matt: Has he been in contact with this new phone? Yes or no?
Anonymous Woman: No.
Matt: Ok, then he likely can’t see or hear anything.
Anonymous Woman: Ok.
Matt:Do you have a gmail address?
Anonymous Woman: No.
Matt: Ok, I suggest you make one, ASAP.
Anonymous Woman: Ok, why?
Matt: Because you are going to need to set up a Google Number through one of their free services [*to readers* – this works in the US only], and after you do that you are going to change your phone number through your service provider. After that, you are going to connect your Google Number to iPhone, and then give out your Google Number ONLY to everyone you know.
Anonymous Woman: So he can hack my number??!?
Matt: No, but you will be able to easily block him from texting and calling you if he somehow gets ahold of your Google Number. It’s a layer of protection. Like wearing a condom for your phone. It keeps the dick out. Pardon the pun.
Anonymous Woman: Ok. He’s crazy and I’m sacred.
Matt: I understand. And now is the time to take action and work through your fear.
Anonymous Woman: The police took away all his firearms and his gun license.
Matt: Do you have any money saved up?
Anonymous Woman: No he left me with all the bills I’m broke my house goes on the market at the end of the month I’m living with [someone else] and the kids.
Matt: Does he know where they live? Probably.
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt:You have to find a place to hide.
Anonymous Woman: You are scaring me.
Matt: A shelter perhaps. Or a friend. I’m not trying to scare you, I’m trying to help you protect your life and your children’s lives. You’re the one telling me about guns. Wake up.
Anonymous Woman: He has a curfew from the police. They took his guns.
Matt: Get out of the fantasy that you’re living in. If he had guns he can get more. Maybe they missed one. You don’t know for sure. You have to step up and protect yourself.
Anonymous Woman: Ok ok. Look, I’m really stressed
Matt: I know that. And you have to do what you have to do to protect yourself and your kids. If you’re not ready to take action, you don’t belong in a support group. Are you ready?
Anonymous Woman: I did take action I left him, and took the kids.
Matt: Is he in police custody right now?
Anonymous Woman: No he’s out on bail
Matt: WAKE. UP. He’s crazy. He’s unpredictable. You don’t know how far he will or will not go. And you don’t want to find out the hard way.
Anonymous Woman: True, that’s why I called the police again tonight.
Matt: So get with the program here. You contacted me for help. I’m trying. But I can’t snap you into gear. That’s up to you. You’re either going to get with it, or not. And if you are, I will help. If not, you are on your own.
Anonymous Woman: I could stay with [someone else]. He doesn’t know where they live.
Matt: Does he know where they lives?
Anonymous Woman: No.
Matt: You have to go where he won’t look. How far away is that?
Anonymous Woman: [says how far away it is]
Matt: Will you be able to take your kids out of school and move them into another school?
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt: Are you willing to do that?
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt: Ok. So you have part of a plan coming together.
Anonymous Woman: Custody is being worked out by my lawyer, we are going for sole.
Matt: Do you work?
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt: Does he know where you work?
Anonymous Woman: Yes, and he has a restraining order to stay away.
Matt: Paper won’t stop him if he wants to go there. Have you notified everyone at work? Your boss?
Anonymous Woman: Yes they are all aware and look out for me.
Matt: That’s good. Are you able to transfer? Can you work from home? Are you willing to look for a new job?
Anonymous Woman: I can work from home.
Matt: Ok, you’re going to have to make some changes in your life, some adjustments. You need to adapt to his craziness and be ready. You have to change your routines. ALL of them. Do you know how to use a gun? Can you buy a gun?
Anonymous Woman: No I don’t have a gun license, you need one [where I live].
Matt: How long does it take to get one?
Anonymous Woman: Months.
Matt: Can you be sped through it because of your circumstances?
Anonymous Woman: Idk I’d have to call [and find out].
Matt: Ok, when can you make that call?
Anonymous Woman: Tomorrow.
Matt: Put it on your to do list. If you can’t, you need to start the process anyway.
Anonymous Woman: Ok.
Matt: Without delay. How long is the nearest police station from you right now?
Anonymous Woman: 15 min. I have the cell of the investigating officer.
Matt: Too long. They’d never get there in time to save you. You can’t count on them 100% to save your life and the lives of your children. That responsibility is yours and your alone. Yours alone! And you have to step into that responsibility. If you’ll be staying with [someone else], you have to think about protecting their home.
Anonymous Woman: He was very abusive to me both verbally and pysically.
Matt: Any documentation of physical violence from him to you? Prior police reports?
Anonymous Woman: He was arrested on three counts of assault causing bodily harm one count of criminal harassment and robbery.
Matt: Court cases? etc Just this one time or from before?
Anonymous Woman: A police report at xmas when he assaulted me and stole my phone.
Matt: I mean from before, that’s what I want to know.
Anonymous Woman: From before. They charged him with two assaults I didn’t report till months after.
Matt: Do you have photos of bruises or any evidence of other past physical abuse?
Anonymous Woman: Yes I had to get stitches and my coworkers saw a black eye.
Matt: Ok. Keep those handy.
Anonymous Woman: The police are investigating.
Matt: If you have a lawyer (I think you said you do) he/she will want witness statements.
Anonymous Woman: The police are getting those this week.
Matt: Ok. If you’ll be staying with [someone else], you have to think about protecting their home…
Anonymous Woman: How?
Matt: You need to think about early detection systems. Alarms. Cameras. Weapons to protect yourselves with. Just in case. You need to learn how to get away from someone following you in a car too.
Anonymous Woman: Omg, I’m scared!
Matt: Stop it. You don’t have the luxury of being scared. Control your emotions. Don’t think thoughts that lead to fear. Think about your safety. And being safe and being protected.
Anonymous Woman: Victims services gave me a safety plan.
Matt: Good. Make sure you run your kids through anything they need to know.
Anonymous Woman: Ok. I haven’t gone over it with the kids.
Matt: How old are they?
Anonymous Woman: X, X and XX.
Matt: Do you have 911 there?
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt: Good. Do they know how to use it?
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt: Good. You may want to run that over with them again just to be sure. Idk when the last time you did that was. Does [the person you could stay with] have a husband?
Anonymous Woman: At xmas when I was attacked for my phone.
Matt: Will there be a man in the house?
Anonymous Woman: No.
Matt: You may want to have a man around. They tend to deter the crazies. They don’t like dealing with other men. Or men in general. They find women easier to manipulate.
Anonymous Woman: I’m living with [people] right now. [Xxxx] is here.
Matt: Do you have [redacted]?
Anonymous Woman: No.
Matt: How old is [Xxxx]? Does he have guns?
Anonymous Woman: [Age] and no.
Matt: What kind of physical shape is he in? Is he any match for your psycho?
Anonymous Woman: Good shape he would take him out.
Matt: That’s good. Would be better if [Xxxx] had weapons.
Anonymous Woman: Again need a gun license, I’ll talk to him.
Matt: Can someone stay up through the night to keep watch? Do you have a way to track your psycho?
Anonymous Woman: Not really, we all work. And no, I don’t have a way to track him.
Matt: Can someone watch him?
Anonymous Woman: He has a [guardian].
Matt: A what??
Anonymous Woman: His bail conditions require someone to watch him. They put up $$$.
Matt: Ohhhh. Now you tell me. You’re definitely getting what you need here in this conversation. I’ve never ever heard of a crazy ex getting a babysitter. That’s good for you though.
Anonymous Woman: Yep. He goes to court on [redacted].
Matt: A lot can happen between now and then. What’s your next step?
Anonymous Woman: Counseling, Meet with the attorney
Matt: How is that going to protect you?
Anonymous Woman: It won’t. I don’t know!! I’ve never been in this position before!!
Matt: Your number priority right now is your life. It’s the only suitable response you have to this nut. You have www22qto be ready. If you’re not ready, you have to get ready ASAP. Counseling and attorneys, important, but not number 1. The lives of you and your kids are number 1. Got that?
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt: Call [the person you could stay with] as soon as you can.
Anonymous Woman: Ok.
Matt: Ask them about hiding out there.
Anonymous Woman: I will.
Matt: Call the school there if they say yes. Find out about moving your kids. Call the people about getting your gun license. Then apply for it.
Anonymous Woman: I will tomorrow.
Matt: Got it. I’m gonna hold you to that.
Anonymous Woman: I think he hacked my phone again. There was a message sent that I never sent to his number. It said “hi”.
Matt: You’re dealing with someone who is angry, unpredictable, and who has no problem hurting you. That’s why you need a Google number, so you can block shit like that.
Anonymous Woman: Ok.
Matt: He’s just trying to scare you. Don’t let him and don’t reply.
Anonymous Woman: I didn’t reply. I called the police and reported it.
Matt: Don’t EVER reply to him.
Anonymous Woman: I won’t, I don’t ever want to speak to him again.
Matt: Ok. So there is an outgoing message on your phone that you didn’t send?
Anonymous Woman: Yes. To his number.
Matt: You have an iPhone?
Anonymous Woman: Yes.
Matt: Is your iMessage turned on?
Anonymous Woman: I got a loaner from [a company]. The police took my other one to search. Yes but I blocked him after that and the police have his phone. They, however, did not take his laptop.
Matt: He might have iMessage turned on and logged into your iCloud account. I suggest changing all of your Apple passwords.
Anonymous Woman: I changed my password though.
Matt: Maybe it was weak. Idk.
Anonymous Woman: I’m very stressed.
Matt: I know. I would be too. Are you talking to me through your phone?
Anonymous Woman: Yes, I am. Can u hack someone’s number? It’s my new one.
Matt: Have you changed your Facebook password too?
Anonymous Woman: Yes. But I have the same number.
Matt: Idk about the number. Not that I know of. You may want to Google that.
Anonymous Woman: Ok.
Matt: Have you blocked him on Facebook?
Anonymous Woman: Yes. And his friends.
Matt: And any of yours that are mutual?
Anonymous Woman: Umm, I have family I think. I should notify them to remove him.
Matt: Yes you should. Let them know why too. He will try to use them. They also shouldn’t accept requests from people they don’t know.
Anonymous Woman: Ok ok. I’ll tell them. So much to take in.
Matt: Yes it is. You should read our conversation a few times. Let it all sink in. You have to adapt. Now. Right now.
Anonymous Woman: Oh, it’s sinking in.
Matt: You cannot relax. Your life may depend on it. You must become a warrior.
Anonymous Woman: He lies he has spread rumors about me I’ve heard. He’s pissed I won’t come back. He begged me. Said this is all my fault. I said no never. Then he got mean. I am afraid.
Matt: I see things, in people’s face. Through emotions that they wear subconsciously in their muscles. I can see that you’ve been abused. You wear a sadness on your face. It’s subtle but it’s there. Afraid. You live in fear of him.
Anonymous Woman: Yes I do, he’s very controlling, and a great liar.
Matt: You show your fear to the world. It’s time for that to change. You have to let your courage out. You’ve been feeling it your stomach forever now. You confused it for fear. It’s not. It’s courage and you need to let it out.
Anonymous Woman: I’ve been working on that everyday, hence counseling.
Matt: Step it up into overdrive. The time is now. Show the world your strength. Unleash the warrior within.
Anonymous Woman: I need help.
Matt: You have help here. You just have to follow through.
Anonymous Woman: I will. He broke me down.
Matt: I will build you up. If you let me.
Anonymous Woman: Ok.
Matt: You reached out for help. I’m here for you. I have another member who I will ask if she can be here for you too.
Anonymous Woman: Thank you.
Matt: Your story pales compared to hers. She will be an inspiration. A guiding angel. You’re welcome. You asked for help and you’re getting it.
Anonymous Woman: I need a guide, I’m lost in all this.
Matt: Don’t be afraid to keep asking for help. The universe will hear your request and it WILL reply to you.
Anonymous Woman: Hope so. I feel weak.
Matt: I know you are lost. But now you have been found.
Anonymous Woman: It’s all so overwhelming.
Matt: You are stronger than you ever thought possible. You know what happens when an atom gets split?
Anonymous Woman: No.
Matt: [GIF Keyboard – Atomic Explosion] If there is that much power in ONE tiny little atom, imagine how much YOU HAVE inside of you, with trillions upon trillions of atoms.
Anonymous Woman: Wow. Never thought of it that way.
Matt: You can do this. You got this. You are capable.
Anonymous Woman: Need to find it. I know I will get there though. I am bound and determined to get there.
Matt: It’s already there.
Anonymous Woman: I’ve had enough of being controlled.
Matt: You are already there. Just start thinking you are already there. Tell me again.
Anonymous Woman: I’ve had enough of being controlled.
There are ways in which you can protect yourself that you absolutely need to know, and this next part was written at my request by a woman who has much more experience with stalkers than I do. You’ll read why in a minute, but since her experiences trump mine, I felt she was more qualified to write this. I have added a couple of things in [[ brackets ]] here and there because there were some things I thought were important enough to include. I admire this woman for her courage and her willingness to be a warrior who survived, and not victim who at the mercy of her stalker.
FROM JANET:
Hi!
My name is Janet and I am dealing with 2 crazy narcissistic stalkers. Yes, 2 stalkers, as in plural. One crazy narcissistic stalker (my ex) sought out another crazy stalker (my current spouses ex) to join forces to stalk my family and me. This conspiracy crosses state lines, my crazy narcissistic stalker is an 18 hour drive away from my husbands crazy stalker, to whom there was no previous connection.
Many of you can relate to my story, as you too are victims of stalking. However, at this time I won’t discuss the specifics of my ordeal, the most important thing for me right now is sharing some information in hopes that it may help protect others from crazy narcissistic stalkers. It is my sincerest desire to help others based on my personal experiences. Unfortunately, my story is still ongoing and may never end.
For starters, narcissism and stalking go hand in hand. It is a personality disorder. To try to understand a stalker is like trying to predict crazy. You can’t predict crazy! Your best bet is to educate yourself and evaluate your life for areas of weakness that would allow you or your loved ones to be victims. One of the most important aspects for protecting yourself from a stalker is to be aware of your surroundings, at all times. As sad as it is, it actually becomes a way of life to survive.
Start by making a checklist of what you want to protect, your strong points and your weak points. This means evaluating your home inside/out, your employment, places you frequent, your route to/from home, routines, social circles, social media, places your children visit and anything else you think is relevant in your life.
HOME: Always have an exit plan! In fact have a backup plan for your exit plan! Make your home a fortress not a prison! [Maintain the mentality that your home is a castle that you are trying to keep your stalker out of, not a place you are trapped inside of. This perspective is essential to your survival.]
ENTRIES/EXITS: (doors, windows, etc.). Anything big enough for a human to get through. Make sure there are adequate hinges, locks and alarms on all. Not everyone can afford buying an elite alarm system for their home. However, a very talented person can manipulate even the best of the elite alarm systems.
There are products that can be purchased at your hardware store that are battery operated that stick on windows and doors that would warn you of any attempt by an intruder. Trust me, they are extremely loud. For example; Doberman Security and they are 4 to a pack for about $19.00. If you are in a state of emergency you can use jingle bells or temporarily use breakable items but be careful with breakable items if you have children or pets because they could break them and get injured.
At one point windows in our old home were nailed down and 2 large brackets were placed on either side of my door (into the studs) so at night a 2×8 board could be placed across the door preventing it from being kicked in easily. Outside of the windows we placed thorny plants. Anything that would stick and cause pain for an intruder, after all, my family doesn’t intend on entering and exiting regularly from windows. We also placed signs in the front yard and on the doors and windows indicating a security system was being used.
Don’t forget to secure gates to the property.
LIGHTING: Try to keep the outside of your home well lit at night. Also, remember that if all the lights are on inside your home, it is easy for someone to see inside unless you take measures to prevent it with shades drawn. We actually installed motion-sensor lights inside and outside of our home with timers. They were inexpensive and effective. This also cut down on our utility bills because if there is no motion in a room, the light shuts off after a time of which we programmed.
PARKING: If you have a garage, park inside rather than on the street. This will make it harder for the stalker to determine if you are home or not and hinder them from gaining access to your transportation. If you have windows on your garage door, cover them up. An inexpensive idea is to take fabric that is cut to fit the area, totally saturate in liquid starch and smooth out over the area until it dries in place. Make sure the glass is free of moisture before applying. When you are ready to take it off, simply use water. The window is unharmed and the fabric can be reused after washing. Do the same with any doors that have windows. If parking in public, stay as close to the populace as possible. Choose well lit areas with easy maneuvering to make an emergency get away. Be mindful of security cameras and park in their line of site if possible.
SECURITY CAMERAS & TECHNOLOGY: We installed our own security cameras. They run 24/7. Strategically place each camera to maximize usage. For example; we have a “fish eye camera” in our family room in a corner that can encompass a total of 4 areas of our home. You could get by with only a few if you plan accordingly. You could also place fakes but if you have to spend the money, might as well spend a little more and do it right. You could also buy “Game Camera’s” found at hunting/fishing stores. You can make the cameras very visible, hide them or a combination of the two. With technology you can actually make your home a smart home using wifi. These systems are inexpensive and will notify you during the day if anyone has accessed your home.
LANDSCAPING: We strategically placed boulders at the front of our home to prevent ramming. This was due to the crazy stalker using their vehicle as a weapon on us. In areas that we could not place boulders, we dug down 4 ft. , placed a 10 inch pvc pipe (6 ft length) in the hole with the other 2 ft. extending above ground. We then filled the pipe with rebar and concrete. Then found a large planter that we could cut a round hole in the bottom to accommodate the pipe, placed the planter over the pipe then filled with dirt and plants to conceal the pipe.
UTILITIES: Secure all locks on breaker boxes. Keep flashlights handy for an unexpected power outage created by a stalker.
COMMUNICATION / SOCIAL MEDIA: Keep cell phones charged at all times. Remember that there are also devices easily available, illegal but available, that can jam a cell phone. Trust me I know!
Be careful with your social media. Do not put anything on there that can help your stalker to hurt you. Put very tight controls on whom can view your posts. Delete anyone that has any contact with your stalker. Do not accept any requests that you do not know. Block your stalker and anyone you know is connected with your stalker. Learning the hard way that a stalker can use the accounts of others is stressful. On social media I never mention where I am currently working or my friends and families places of employment. Sometimes I use Facebook’s check in feature, for mis-direction, claiming to check in an hour from where I really am. It sucks but even my LinkedIn profile isn’t accurate, on purpose, and I never show my current place of employment.
Cut your stalker off from any communication with you. If there are children involved, have legal counsel to inform the crazy narcissistic stalker in writing that they are not to contact you directly anymore, that they will need to go through your legal counsel, mediator, third party of choice or through the courts. This is vital for when the stalker tries to take you back to court because they cannot speak with you directly.
WEAPONS: Not everyone is comfortable with having a gun in the home. Personally, I have one and am trained to use it. However, almost anything can be turned into a weapon. For example: a pencil. If you find yourself in a situation of hand to hand combat with your crazy stalker, go for the vital areas. Don’t waste your time on the groin. If your stalker is on drugs it won’t affect them not to mention crazy doesn’t feel pain the same as normal. Carry a can of mace/OC spray. Place a whistle on your key chain. When walking with your keys, keep one protruding that could be used as a weapon for gouging the eyes of your stalker.
[[ Matt:
FLARES: If you have trouble getting a gun due to a waiting period or some other bullshit, you can likely purchase boat flares. There are different kinds, and you want the ones that shoot like fireworks, not puff out a bunch of smoke or burn an intense fire (as useful as this one may seem, you don’t want to burn yourself)`. Some look like plastic orange guns and load one flare at a time, and pull a trigger. Some are like tubes with a pull chain at the end, pull the chain and it fires the flare. There is a screw cap which covers the chain to prevent accidentally setting the flare off. Personally, I used to carry one of the tube kinds when I was younger, and if I were to carry one now, it would be one of these for a few different reasons.
The first is that it doesn’t look like a gun and if you are ever searched by police it is far less likely to be recognized as a weapon. Unless of course the cop was in the navy or grew up around boats. You can also peel the sticker/label off so it can’t be read, at least that’s what I did with the one that I had. A second reason is that if your get the right ones, they are small and can mostly concealed in your palm. A third reason is that if you were to use the flare gun kind, a would-be attacker could prevent you from firing it if he were able to get his finger behind the trigger. This is a tactic taught in self defense and gun classes, and if you ever have a gun pulled on you at very close range, you could possibly put your finger behind the trigger to prevent the gun from being shot. It’s much better to have your finger crushed (or broken) than it is to die. Fourth, it is a much cheaper option than a gun, so even if you have very little money, you can still pick some of these up.
If you get either of these types of flares, I highly suggest using it/them a few times (near water or into the air) so you know exactly how they work and what to do with it if you need it in an emergency. It’s basically like setting off a firework. If you DO ever need to use it, you just discretely stick it in the gut of your would-be attacker and pull the chain/trigger. Be prepared to run, as they may only be temporarily stunned, but likely won’t know what happened and probably be deterred from pursuing you.
End Matt’s Inclusion ]]
SELF-DEFENSE: Taking a self-defense class would be a good idea. It was very valuable for me by teaching how to get away from the pins my stalker has placed me in. Remember, if you are being physically attacked by your stalker, there is only one rule, to survive at all cost.
MAKING OTHERS AWARE: This is important no matter how embarrassing or frightening it may be. Your neighbors, family and friends should be informed about your stalker. A stalker is a danger to everyone around you. They need to know what the stalker looks like, drives and has done. If others aren’t aware, they can’t be a witness for you by signed affidavit, court appearance or for giving a statement to authorities at the scene. File a police report for everything. Get the report number, badge number, name and contact information for the officer taking the report. If they do not leave a copy of the initial report with you, take a pic with your phone. You may need it later. Get medical attention for anything that is associated from the stalker and document well with the medical provider what happened. Making an employer aware is extremely risky. Especially if you work in an “At Will” state. Most of us who have been through the worst cases that are continually in court find it hard to keep a job. This is also part of the plan of the crazy narcissistic stalker. They want to drain you financially in hopes they you eventually cannot afford the legal fees to fight them. Without a job it is easy to not afford the expenses of litigation.
COUNSELING / THERAPY: Many of us have PTSD as a result of dealing with a crazy narcissistic stalker. If you have children, it is important for them to document any occurrences with a counselor too. If your stalker happens to be an ex spouse, they will eventually come after you through the legal system.
CREATE A TIMELINE: Document, document and document! Use a computer program to create a spreadsheet that can show everything in date order from start to finish. This will help to show a pattern for the courts later. Include phone calls, texts, emails, letters, gifts, cyber stalking, following you, contacting your employer, friends, family and misc..
My stalkers got desperate and used “third party” harassment. This is where the stalker calls the authorities on the victim with false reporting. After a protection order was in place, the crazy stalker filed 7 false police reports and 10 false CPS reports against my family and me in a 10 month period. After researching and hard work, the prosecutor finally issued a warrant for the crazy stalkers arrest.
However, it is a “Bench Warrant” and is of low priority. Keep copies of everything as well. You can keep in Google Drive, Drop Box, on thumb drive or etc.. When you go to court you will need hard copies to show the court everything. Scan copies of all medical records, police reports, pics, emails, texts, statements from others and etc.. Also, keep copies of your phone records. We had to go back almost two years on phone records which was timely and costly to get what we needed.
Any legal counsel that gives you advice, document well by mentioning the name of such counsel, advice given by counsel and then email to anyone investigating the case. My stalkers obtained an attorney that spoke with me at great length. The attorney claimed that their caseload was too great to take my case at the time hence no attorney fee was obtained. This had to be taken to the bar as the legal counsel refused to remove them self from the case even after proving in an email, phone records and witness statements that they intimately knew the details of the case including my emotional state. Amazing but true!
UTILIZING CELL PHONES: Cell phones can really help when being stalked. Get a recording app on your phone that allows you to record phone calls as well as in person encounters. We use free apps. Life 360 connects us and shows location history step by step. It will locate a missing person faster than a cell ping tower search which takes time. But… You have to have people you trust in your circle that can notice your not where you’re suppose to be. It also has a panic button to alert your entire contact list if there is a problem at the click of a button. Then dial 911. It will also tell you where the nearest police station, hospital and etc. are.
We also have a free app called “recorder” to record conversations that allows us to email them. Haven’t found one to record incoming calls so we make them leave a voicemail. Email the conversations to yourself to ensure they are not lost and make sure it recorded. Remember to study your state recording laws before using it and keep in mind that laws change every so often.
[[ Matt:
KEEPING 1 PHONE NUMBER: Available only in the US, I suggest you get a Google Voice number for several reasons. To get a Google Voice number, all you need to have is a Gmail account, one that you may or may not use for anything else.
1. You can keep the same number no matter how many different phone numbers you get over the years.
2. It is VERY easy to block numbers from, so he cannot keep contacting you from the same phone numbers. He will have to keep using new numbers and eventually this will get too hard for him to do, and it never gets any harder for you to block a number. Hopefully this will tire him out and he will just stop contacting you this way.
3. Most importantly, everything that comes into your Google number (calls, texts, and voicemails), are SAVED for future use in court if you ever need to. You can manually delete things if you really want to, but I don’t suggest deleting anything a stalker sends.
PERSONAL LOCATOR BEACON: A personal locator beacon is typically used by hikers and other people who venture out into the wilderness in case they get hurt or lost. This might be a good idea to have if you are kidnapped or attacked by your crazy ex. You press a button on a device and it sends a signal up to a satellite, EMS is notified of your whereabouts, and are dispatched out to your location.
SHELTERS: Male or female, you may find yourself in a situation where you need to either leave home or leave your area (in other words, you may need to disappear for your own safety, or the safety for your children. Society hasn’t yet caught up to accepting that men can be victims of domestic abuse too, and many shelters are for women only, so if you are a man and you need to leave a situation, you may need to seek refuge in a homeless shelter. I am providing links below for anyone in the US and Canada to find a shelter to which they can escape. I have not searched beyond these two countries, but if anyone reading cares to send me a link for a list in their country, I’ll happily add it here.
LAWS, EDUCATE YOURSELF: Study the state, federal and UCCJEA that apply to your situation. If it crosses state lines it becomes federal. Study the recording laws for your state. My state is a “One Party State” meaning that anyone can record a conversation, submit to court based on them being the “One Party” to consent and not require the consent of any other party to the conversation. This helped me obtain my protection order. Study case laws for stalkers in case you need it for court. Study the “Cycle of Abuse” chart and the “Post Separation Cycle of Abuse” chart. It is amazing how few courts are aware of these.
CUSTODY EXCHANGES: Keep these in well lit, public areas and preferably at your local police department in the view of cameras if at all possible or have law enforcement present. Study the laws on “Parental Kidnapping” to quote if it happens to you. People are generally lazy and won’t help unless they are made aware that you know the laws and that you know how and who enforces those laws.
COURT: Be aware that a crazy narcissistic stalker will do whatever they can to get to you. If you have blocked all forms of contact with you, their last resort will be to use the legal system against you. This will be a result of filing bogus petitions to create further distress to you and show that they still have control over you.
If it is a custody issue, DO NOT GET A COURT APPOINTED “BEST INTEREST ATTORNEY” FOR YOUR CHILDREN! Instead get a “COURT APPOINTED ADVISOR” with a background in psychology! Best Interest Attorneys called BIA’s do not do what is best for the children. They are also rarely trained in psychology and can be easily manipulated by a crazy narcissistic stalker. Statistically, 90% of the courts will enforce whatever the recommendation of the BIA is regardless of the evidence and witnesses.
If a BIA does not like you for personal reasons, it is acceptable. This has been such a problem in the nation that the government has even had to create special “Tortes” to prevent the BIA from being sued. This was a direct result of so many children trying to sue once they reached adulthood because the BIA intentionally placed the children with a known abuser and caused severe adverse affects to the children’s lives.
A crazy narcissist stalker ex will try to drain you with repeated legal expenses even after you have lost your children to the abuser. It’s not really about the crazy narcissistic stalker caring for the children, the children are used as a tool to continue to harm their victim. The crazy narcissistic stalker will waste the court clock on useless drawn out babble to prevent you from utilizing the time given. It is important to be organized! Start putting money away for legal expenses. You will be in court and will need it. Even after court, make small payments to your attorney to keep a positive balance because you will need them again in the future.
Hope this helps you and your family to be a little safer.
These articles were written over a period of 4 years, as I’ve had the time and motivation to write them. Honestly, as time went on I had less and less motivation to write them, but I continued to write because so many people seemed to need to write them. When I first posted Part 1 in 2012, I was beginning my own journey away from a life dealing with a stalking ex. I had no idea this was going to be a 6 part series, take as long as it has to write, or help as many people as it has, especially in the support group. There are currently 60 members in the group, and more have either left or were removed, but I digress.
I had no idea how things would end for me, or if they would ever end at all. But one day, it finally did end, and in a way even I couldn’t believe at the time, or could ever have imagined…
It was the end of March in 2014, and a mutual friend of mine and my crazy ex’s (one of the very few I kept in touch with) messaged me asking me if I knew what was going on with her. He then sent a link to an article where someone had been injured and taken to an area hospital, but the person was unnamed. I was unsure it was her because of shellack of details, but he was pretty convinced that it was her.
From what I’ve been able to piece together over a lengthy period of time, it turns out that she had a new boyfriend and was at his house spending the night. At about 1:30 AM he awoke to the house on fire. He woke her up and then they proceeded to run out of the house, only when he got outside and turned around, she was not there. He tried to go back in and get her, but a news article stated he was overcome by the smoke.
She must have turned back around and went to hide back in the bedroom. When the firefighters finally were able to get to her about 15 to 20 minutes later, they said she hadn’t had air in about 15 minutes. It was reported that she had been burned over 60% of her body. She was resuscitated and sent to the nearest hospital, was stabilized, placed on life support, and then transferred to another hospital which could better deal with her injuries. It was also reported that she was brain dead and even if she could come back, her quality of life would be very low.
A few days later, her parents made the decision to take her off of life support. I am not sure she that died right away, and I think she died a couple of days after that. The majority of people who knew her knew nothing during this time. As far as they knew, she just went missing when she hand’t shown up for work. It wasn’t until over a week later that the news had finally circulated and everyone started to find out. That’s when multiple people contacted me to see if the news was true. I was so far away from her at that point that practically everyone knew before me.
There was no funeral or any official services, but there was a local benefit show. I wanted nothing to do with it or anyone who was going. I can’t sit here and say she didn’t impact others and help them in some way, but what I can say is that along the way she deceived pretty much everyone. She lied about her name, her age, where she was from… Many people caught on that something wasn’t right about her, but none of them had as close as a relationship to her as I did. As someone who values honesty, I would routinely call her out on her lies and even tell others what the truth was.
When I first found out she was dead, I was both happy and relieved. I know that may sound awful, but it’s the truth. After that passed, I did grieve in my own way. I was finally able to release the love that I still had for her that I had cut myself off from out of necessity for such a long time. Once I was able to that go, I found a new sense of freedom.
To make things even weirder, her death was surrounded by quite a few very strange circumstances. I’ll write about them here because even in death, she still has some weird existence in this realm.
She was petrified of sirens and alarms. Anytime she heard them, she’d cover her ears, scream and freak out. I always thought it was weird but it never made sense until she died in a fire. It was almost like she knew that’s how she was gonna go out, but she just didn’t know when… For instance, there was one time when she got up earlier than me and tried to make me pancakes. I awoke to an old Brinks alarm going off in the house, and needless to say she was burning the pancakes. I heard her screaming and ran downstairs. Before I got to the bottom of the staircase, she came running over to the bottom of the stairs where the alarm was on the wall, and was using a syrup bottle to try and smash it because she couldn’t get it to shut off any other way. After striking it a few times, she threw the syrup bottle up into the air over her head, put her arms up in the air, and ran screaming out of the front door like she was being murdered. I had to cut the wires on the old alarm to get it to stop. If we were walking on the street and police or fire sirens came on, she would put her fingers in her ears and scream. This happened every single time.
There was a band from her home state of Maine that we worked with, and they wrote a concept album where the last day on earth was March 23rd. Her last day on earth was March 23rd. It was only in the wee hours of March 24th that she perished in the fire.
On March 23rd, her last day, a musician that I listened to for over 20 years died. When you pair this with the fact that lit candles were responsible for the house fire (hence the candle meme for this article), AND the fact that she used to cast black magic spells on my doorstep, it would be easy to occur that… if she were actually casting spells on me, a spell meant to kill someone I love may have backfired and killed this musician and her as well. It is said that people who practice “bad magic” frequently have spells go bad on them, and produce unpredictable outcomes. The rest is open to interpretation… But come on… Very strange “coincidence” if you ask me.
She once had an event that she titled something derogatory toward fire fighters. It was called Fuck The Firefighters Fest. People were rightly angered by the title and some left comments that were very prophetic. One of them was “I hope you die in a house fire” and another was if her “house ever caught fire, I hope local music comes to your rescue”. Again, pair this with her irrational fear of sirens and you have to wonder if she knew what her fate was.
I was in a cemetery with her one night (I was completely sober mind you) across from the house we lived in, and I saw an apparition appear in front of her. The apparition was her, glowing blue body and face perfectly aligned over her physical body, but her clothes were from a different time period, sixteen or seventeen hundred’s I’d say. I had the impression that we met in a former life and she had died young. She seemed to have “powers” (I swear I’m not kidding here, and I’ll say more in a bit) that were beyond this world, and perhaps she was a witch in that life and had been burned to death at the stake. Speculation, I know, but all of the other evidence says this could be entirely possible.
My crazy ex had a thing for numbers, remember I said she lied about her age? Well, she was really born in 1972, and took 5 years off of her age telling everyone she was born in 1977. Ok, so there’s a 7. Then, she took the day of the month that she was born, the 11th, and she would use the number 11 for different things, for instance, she would tell people she ran “11 percent of the Boston music scene”. This is absurd when you think about it, because there was absolutely no way you could quantify that or even begin to arrive at that number. It’s just impossible. I used to think she just liked to talk herself up and use these numbers, but some might say it was a spell of words she would cast into the world. Ok, so now we have a 7 and an 11. Guess what the address was of the house she died in? 117.
—– I’m leaving this blank, much like some sky scrapers don’t have a 13th floor.
Remember a few articles ago, at the end of Part 4 to be precise, I said that there was a knock at my door and no one was there? That was the very spot that she used to cast spells on my door step. I was literally about to press the “publish” button and the knock happened. It was so loud that everyone in the house heard it. It was only seconds before we got to the door and opened it. There was no one there, and there wasn’t anyone in the general vicinity who could have knocked on it either… Coincidence? Or a warning from beyond?
After she died, I reached out to a mutual friend to gather a little bit of information. I was in the middle of asking her a question and I paused to find the best words. It went like this… Me: I wanted to ask about her… (thinking of the right words) Friend: (interjects with:) Her powers? Me: What? Friend: Did you want to know about her powers? Yeah, she blah blah blah (talks about how she could do magick)… And then eventually I cut her off. No, I didn’t want to know about any of that. She was dead, that was it, I just wanted to put it behind me and I had other questions that I wanted answered.
It took over a week, and several days after her 2nd death actual death, for the news to break that she had been in a fire and died as a result of being taken off of life support. The day that everyone found out was April 1st. April Fools Day. Everyone thought it was a joke, they really did. But if you think about it, she told so many lies and she fooled so many people, that you could rightly call her a “fool”. Not the idiot kind of fool who doesn’t know anything, but the kind of person that fooled others. It was so fitting that that’s the day everyone found out.
Another fitting thing. She was absolutely obsessed with her looks. She would tell people she had face tucks or whatever, Microderm abrasion and whatnot. And the way she died, being burned over 60% of her body… It’s like all of her bad things came back to her and took the one thing she always tried so hard to maintain away from her. She was no longer “beautiful”, and she probably would have killed herself. In fact, part of me speculates that she was actually alive and told her mother to let her die. I might not ever know this, and I don’t have the heart to ask her mother if it’s true. But I know for a fact, because she told me, that she would rather die than not be beautiful. Personally, I didn’t even think she was as attractive as she loved to think that she was.
I’ve had two different people say that I have a grey or black aura around me, one friend said there was something very dark there and I needed a “cleansing”. She suggested I go to a magic store for witches and get some sage, burn it, and do a few things with it like waving it around myself, and in each corner of my house. She thought someone was “hanging on to me from the other side.” Not the kind of thing you want to hear. She had no prior knowledge of my crazy ex’s death or anything about her at all.
Today is March 24th, exactly two years to the day that my crazy psycho ex died in a house fire, and I am finishing this article as the last nail in her proverbial coffin. Today is the day, two years of my being free from her wrath, and this is how I want to mark it.
By now if you’ve been reading all 6 parts of this series, you probably feel like you know me, or rather, that my story is your story too. You may be feeling elated to know that you’re not alone. You may have picked up some great information about what can do in your own situation. You may have more understanding about why these people do what they do and how they operate. You may better understand what someone in your life who has a crazy psycho stalker ex is going through. I hope that whatever you take away from this series, it’s the notion that you absolutely can NOT let someone like this control and destroy your life.
Unfortunately, you may not be able to ever completely get rid of your ex. You may only be able to keep them at bay for periods of time. But you CAN certainly stand your ground and lead a counter-offensive stance now that you have the tools and the courage to do so. Remember that as much as it may feel so at times, you are not alone, there are others fighting the same battle that you are. It’s your life, and it’s up to you to live it the way you want to. No one is going to step in and fix your life for you, YOU have to do that yourself. So get on it, huh? Because you only have one life to live and time is running out for you to be happy.
Au Revoir!
Well, that about wraps things up for me. After 4 years of writing these articles, I finally have my story out there for the world. As of the time of this writing, the future of this series is uncertain. There may be more to write, and it may not be me who writes it. It may be others who survive. One thing I know for certain, is that there are certain resources I’d like to either create or link to. For instance, law enforcement’s attitude about dealing with victims needs to change, they need to be educated more about these people that set out to ruin our lives. It’s the same with the court system, they need to take these matters more seriously as well and not just dismiss them as easily as they are. People’s attitudes in general need to change when their friends and loved ones are dealing with a crazy stalker ex, and they need to be much more supportive of the people in their lives who are going through this.
I’ll leave you with this. It’s a text message I got from her once.
Tu sois mienne pour toujours.
It means “you are mine forever”. (You might remember this from the meme in Part 2.)
No. No I’m not yours forever. I’m someone else’s now. And you’re dead.
SUPPORT GROUP:More and more people are finding and reading these articles and are contacting me asking for help, so I have decided to start a private Facebook group for people who would like to vent, ask for help, connect with others, learn how to fight back, share their stories, and whatever else will contribute to others. To join the group,send me a friend request AND!!!! a message on Facebook(I can’t add you otherwise because it’s a secret group), and I will add you. PLEEEEEAASE do both, it makes it a million times easier.
All my best,
~Matt Adams
P.S. If you’ve found this article helpful and/or informative please Comment, Tweet, Like, and +1 below.
In the day and age of digital romance and sex, sex, sex, it’s getting harder and harder to create long term-relationships, so let’s have a frank discussion about how you can create a long-term relationship. Many women come to me and ask where all the good men are, as if somewhere between work and home there is a secret man-cave where they are all hiding. Of course that isn’t true, but why is this the perception of so many women? On the other hand, men are finding it easier and easier to get no-strongs-attached sex, but not all of them want it.
When women rise in power, when it’s easy for them to extract resources from the world, sex rises in supply. When disadvantaged women have to barter sex for resources, the price of sex goes up. When women rise in power, men respond in 1 of 3 ways. Roughly about 30% of men lose ambition to strive to be a provider (i.e., video game nerds in their parents basements until they’re in their 30’s, and even stay at home dad’s, a complete role reversal for men, fall into this category), while others lose the ability/willingness to commit. You’ll understand why in a minute. And then there’s the “good guys”. They feel pressured to seek more sex (become a “player”) because that is what they feel is being expected of them, and they lose their authenticity through this expectation.
When women rise in power, they respond in 3 different ways too. Some women adopt a male model of sexuality, and this causes a number of problems for them. Remember when I said guys won’t commit? Why should they when sex is so at the ready? A second problem is that women are falling in love with men who aren’t likely to stay around, much too easily. Other women hold out for a higher status man (a.k.a., the George Clooney Effect), where men are being overlooked by a class of women who are constantly thinking they can do better. And with the way men are responding, there are less and less of these high-provider, willing-to-settle-down type of guys. The 3rd problem is that women lose the freedom to be mothers because their biological window closes, or they believe the in-vitro myth. Every time they see another story about a couple who had a baby this way, the idea is reinforced in their mind, but this is just a higher-than-reality marketing stat as it only works for about 15% of those who try it.
What ends up happening to both men *and* women, is they are shuttled into the sexual mass market. They start believing that sex is cheap, and that people are having much more sex than they actually are. Tinder and other hookup apps help spread this idea, as does all of the sexualized marketing you see in magazines, billboards, commercials, online, and anywhere else you look. Men are thinking “Have all the sex you can, whatever the cost may be!!!”, while women are thinking “Have plenty of not-too-much sex”. This is the sexual double standard. Men who have more sexual partners are admired for it as studs, while women who have more sexual partners are looked down upon as sluts.
This leads to a culture where relationships deteriorate into the nutritional equivalent of junk-food. These relationships are reinforced by multiple myths in society and media. One myth is that hookup culture is everywhere, when the truth is that it’s not. It may look like everyone is having sex, but they aren’t having as much sex as you think they are. A second belief is that woman have sexual “needs”, but this is a misnomer, meaning that women don’t replace their boyfriends with porn and masturbation like men do. The sex they are having is to feel desired and connected to another human being. They have much of a physical drive for sex as compared to men.
A third myth is that sexual chemistry is essential for a happy relationship. It’s not. Just like it takes time to develop an emotional relationship with someone, it takes time to develop a sexual relationship with them too. The more you are intimate with them in an emotional way, the more your sexual relationship will develop. A fourth myth is that sex leads to love. This is not true for men or women. Women find love through emotional intimacy, while men find love through trust. A fifth myth is that being promiscuous can be turned on and off like a switch. The reality is that the more you train yourself to have these short-term hookups or relationships, the more you are going to need them.
The high tech, mass-produced, fast, junk-food sex is not what we need to create the long-term, loving, trusting relationships we need. Instead, the solution here is to slow love down, start charging a much higher price for sex, and quit low-nutritional relationships just as we would quit eating fast-food if we were trying to lose weight and get healthy. Both men and women who are seeking a long-term relationship should not be having sex with a new partner too quickly. Instead they should wait to have sex with a new partner, to hold out on sex longer and allow for the emotional intimacy to develop in their relationship.
Men and women need to be focusing on two things… Care and Commitment. To do this, they need to set a high-criteria for a relationship. They need to talk more, share more, make themselves vulnerable, see only one person at a time, invest in each other, require sexual exclusivity, talk about the feelings they have for each other, and practice intellectual commitment, where they make conscious decisions to behave as if they are in a long-term relationship.
Powerful women want even more powerful men, but where are they?
Why should you wait to have sex though? If you really need a good reason, here’s one. A scientific study revealed that if you have sex within 30 days of meeting someone, you have a 90% chance of being broken up with them 1 year later, as opposed to waiting 31 to 90 days, where you have about a 25% chance of being together 1 year later. Isn’t that enough of a difference to make it worth it and just wait it out? I think so…
Research into 5 “blue areas” on the planet, where people over 100 years old have been found in abundance, showed that long-term, committed relationships were one of several things they all had in common. In fact, men’s health is vastly improved, women’s is too but not as high as mens, when they remain in long term committed relationships. [The polyamorist in me is screaming to leave out the word “monogamy”, but the fact is that these relationships were also monogamous in nature.] Not only are these people living longer and healthier, they acquire more wealth and their offspring do better too. Who doesn’t want their kids to do better?
I want to close with an interesting number… When asked which men would prefer, a hookup (no strings attached, one night sex) or a romantic date, a whopping 75% of men said they would prefer a romantic date! So there’s still plenty of hope for the ladies, they just may need to curb their desire for George Clooney a bit and settle down with a guy who is every bit as interested in a long-term, committed, loving, trusting relationship as they are.
In the day and age of digital romance and sex, sex, sex, it’s getting harder and harder to create long term-relationships, so let’s have a frank discussion about how you can create a long-term relationship. Many women come to me and ask where all the good men are, as if somewhere between work and home there is a secret man-cave where they are all hiding. Of course that isn’t true, but why is this the perception of so many women? On the other hand, men are finding it easier and easier to get no-strongs-attached sex, but not all of them want it.
